While I never had any issues with my wife being with women, even during the mono days (hmmmm, girl on girl hotness), I do recall having severe misgivings about the idea of her being with a guy...and it took some time and effort to sort that out. A lot of it was simply asking some of the same questions over and over again. Mostly the question was “So What?”
In the end it was mostly just trying to deconstruct societies expectations about male/female sex roles, homophobia, double standards, and the various other crap we’re fed from the monogamous mainstream media...all the expectations about being first, preferably only guy with a girl, protecting her virtue at all costs, whether she wants you to or not. (maybe I’ll just dub that the ‘monostream’....someone remind me to cross post that to the glossary thread).
At any rate, the conversation typically went along the following lines:
Why would it be ok for her to have intimate relationships with girls, but not guys? Why would a relationship with a guy be different? If I’m going to be allowed to date girls, why shouldn’t she be allowed to date guys? Only fair right?
Penetration??? Whatever...like the girls can’t find phallic toys. Sloppy seconds? So What? Goes both ways...and he’d have to be worth getting fluid bonded first anyways. Anyways, same applies for a prospective gf...if I’m going to date girls, chances are good that she’ll have one or more men in her life too. So why would any of this apply to my wife if I’m willing to get over it when it comes to a gf? It’s a bunch of petty patriarchal crap anyways...outdated attitudes designed to shame men who couldn’t ‘control’ their womenfolk well enough to keep them out of another man’s sack. Really? Fuck that.
Will she love him better? Leave me? So What? Why wouldn’t she do that with a woman? After all, my aunt decided after 10 years and 2 kids that she never should have been with a man and left my uncle. It’s not without precedent. And thousands of women drop their husbands for a whole lot less every year... So What? no reason to expect that kind of silliness from my wife. (Or we’d have much larger problems going on anyways)
Better sex? So What? Some people I knew used to jest that they didn’t mind their gf’s kissing other girls, but didn’t want them sleeping with them...after all...women would know what women want so much better that they’d never go back to the poor guy. Is it a risk to take seriously with women? No...so why should it be for guys? Ok, there might be a point in conversation of details I don’t need to know for the sake of fragile male ego’s...but really...grow up.
Was there an upshot? Maybe he’d love her...same as I’d hope from any woman who was going to be with my wife. Maybe she’d have someone to keep her warm at night when I was away. Maybe she’d get the attention she needs when I’m not able to. And maybe she’d love them back. So What? That’d be kinda cool.
And so the conversation went...over and over again for about 8 months. Until one day the questions in the middle didn’t come up anymore. When I could look inside and ask myself if I was comfortable with a guy being intimate with my wife, and I could honestly say,...yeah, as long as he was good for her, why the hell wouldn’t I be?
Now...fortunately, or possibly not, my wife has not had the occasion, or I guess more importantly the desire to test the theory. Am I truly comfortable with it, or just think I am? It has become important for me though to remain open to the possibility, and now it’s not just a matter of fairness, tit for tatta’s or whatever.
If I’m going to embrace poly as a way of life, and part of my identity, then I can’t just say I’ll tolerate other guys nailing my wife...or it’s only fair so I can date other girls. It’s about loving others...opening up to the possibilities. So if my wife is bi and poly, then she should have the opportunity to find and experience that love, no matter what package it’s wrapped in. If it’s someone she loves a fraction as well as she’s loved me, what could I possibly have to say about that?
Mind you if she ever does find someone that causes me to test the theory against the practical....I’ll let you know.