Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG
What you are not getting: The concept that mongamous people operate under a set of "rules".
Rules imply imposing restrictions to control behaviour. Monogamous people, who are actually monogamous and not just behaving monogamously, don't need rules and boundaries to govern their behaviour. They behave a certain way and interact with their partners based on natural tendencies, not because they can't or aren't allowed to do something. That is also why the idea of ownership or possessiveness is not valid within a monogamous couple who are actually monogamous. When I was happily married and connected I didn't have intimate relationships with other women. Why? Not because I wasn't allowed under the "rules" of monogamy. I didn't have those relationships because I didn't need or want to. There was no desire.
The necessity for rules and boundaries is something I have only experienced in a non monogamous relationship. I don't understand why anyone who feels like they are bound or restricted by the conditions of a relationship would stay in it. To me, that is unsustainable.
Its nothing to do with sex or attraction, but friendship relationships. I never said they follow rules either. Although a lot do. There is often a rule though that men (and I am speaking from experience, which is why I say men)are not allowed to go out and do stuff with a woman that they see friends with unless their girlfriend or wife is with them. There seems to be an idea that something might happen and they will be tempted in some way.
Of course this is a generalization and not all monos are concerned or even think of this, but it is common.
In terms of the one time thing guy that the op is referring to, perhaps he would rather be in a mono relationship with this kind of restriction (disrespectful restrictions I think) than have nothing or less than someone all to himself.
People stay in relationships because they don't want to, don't care to or just deal with what comes up, rather than challenge it. I like poly for that, the challenge that is. I never did well in monogamy because often the people I was with weren't interested in working on independance and trust. They just assumed I would be coreced by some man friend who couldn't possibly keep his paws off. I remember you thought this too not so long ago Mono.