Originally Posted by Superjast
For the record, they are honest questions, not sarcasm or judgements. I have not really thought much about metamours, as I have been lucky that the people I have engaged with, in a metamour way, were naturally people I liked, and they liked me. Usually that leads to befriending or more, of it`s own accord.
I won`t have a relationship with someone whos significant other objects to me. That is probably why it has worked out this way for me thus far.
When I said 'the same as other areas of my life' I meant that I tend to get a feel for peoples boundaries and am concious of that, weither its a friend, or something else. Being conscientious of the effects my actions have on others, is something done in more then just the poly world.
As for the rest, not sure what to tell you. I dont think a relationship is what it takes to respect people. I run more along the line of knowing up front where everyone stands, and if something doesn`t gel for all of us,..we don`t have to be in the relationship, period. If the person is not someone I would normally be friends with, then I don`t see a need to connect with them on a a regular basis.
Of course if something cropped up down the road, they are free to talk to me, or explain whats going on. Its not a closed door.
Maybe I am missing something here, not sure. I am just basing it on experience, and that experience hasn`t proven me wrong yet.
I`ll keep reading, but for right now, I`m not sure why it seems to come across as a 'neccessity' rather then something that people are either naturally drawn to, or they aren`t. Not all relationships need to follow the same model.
Not having a relationship with someone who objects to you might be the key. Sometimes its not even the objection part, but that one could take them or leave them and now all of a sudden one is suppose to be all into them and in kahoots. Frankly the women PN has chosen this far have been far too much like me, yet different enough and I would never choice them as a friend. Its been like looking into a mirror and an alpha female thing seems to arise. Perhaps I create that, I don't know. As I said, I suck at being a metamour. I'm too dominant I think.
Sure there could be different models of relationship, but I haven't known any deep, meaningful, long terms relationship where there hasn't been meaningful metamour relationships going on. I just don't think it could be possible of feasable.
Maybe I haven't experienced this? I can imagine that a balance would occur whereby metamours are good with one another yet don't ever talk, but when there is time constraints and scheduling involved for very involved loves, it just seems near impossible to not be involved with a metamour.
I have come to realize that I cannot be a *go between* for my loves. I decided that finally and for sure when the moving thing came up. I was losing my mind trying to pass on info and encouraging and negotiating boundaries filled with emotion. I did my bit and then told the men that they had to talk and let me know what they came up with. Why should I be the ref of their relationship?! If this was to work in a live in situation then they would have to be able to handle a friendship of some sort.
They would not of normally been friends, it is me that has forced them to be. Not that they hate each other, but it was one of those things where neither would of chosen the other and now they are forced into a relationship and have to deal with it. Not only that but I require them to help me with my needs. That being space and Mono living closer right now. More added burden and responsibility. They worked hard to make that work out for me. To me that is a metamour superhero moment to beat all. They are the best metamours around in my mind.
Later they will have to group together to support me in different ways. What they have to realize too is that they also will be supported. If one of them needs help then their will be two of us to step in. I don't know if they get that or trust it. That goes beyond a casual "ya, you're okay with me so I will date your partner" kind of thing. Again, there is really nothing to compare that to in typical relationships that I can think of.