Let's try this again....
I wrote my life story basically, and when I went to post it, it said I was not logged in. I will try my best to break it down because I don't have all the energy to write that again, lol.
-I am a gay female in a 9 year closed relationship with a bi female. We moved in right away and have been pretty much married ever since
-When I was first exposed to swinging/open relationship/polyamory about 5 years ago (I know the difference between all but was exposed to all at the same time) I was very threatened by it, had a negative emotional response and since I am very introspective, have been trying to understand why ever since.
-I have always been insecure in our relationship that she would meet a man and leave me for him, because she has been with a lot of men and been married, etc.
- We love each other immensely and thinking of ever being a part causes us great pain
- still, we recently had a talk about the idea of an open relationship and she did admit to missing men, not that she had to act on it. I have only been with one other female and it was a dysfunctional relationship and I have always wondered what it would be like to be with another woman because i was almost 23 when I met my partner.
- I can't imagine sharing my partner with a man (as illogical as it sounds. Intellectually I see how this is wrong, emotionally is another story) and have this fear that opening this can of worms was not a good idea
- I don't know if I could share myself with another woman. the idea sounds nice, but like what i have read by Mono (of Redpepper and Mono) I feel the same. I think I am one of those that can only have those deep emotions for one person, and sex is only good for me if those deep emotions are present.
- how do either of us know if bringing someone else into our relationship will not destroy us. And I am not keen on the risks of trial and error
- I am sad that she wants to be with a man. I feel like I can't compete with that. I am not intimidated by women because they just don't threaten me. Men do for some reason. Again, sorry. I am working on understanding that one now.
But, then I read things like what Mono writes, and he sounds so loving and non-intimidating and non-threatening and think, well, if she found someone like him, it may be okay. If it is someone who respects our life partnership and can love and respect me as a person, well, then that sounds nice. I think it would be hard to find,though. I would not say I would not foresee problems, as I think there still would be. It is just now that we had these conversations, I worry that she will want this now and I don't know if I can handle it. I have been shaky and had an upset stomach since we have been talking about this since last week. I don't know what to do or think anymore...I just don't know.
Please go easy on me. I know there are a lot of atheist here, but I am spiritual and going through a spiritual awakening and have been for a few years consciously. There is a tug-of-war going on between my ego and my higher self or whatever. I feel the internal battle. I trying to cut through fear, but it is really hard.