Am I Depressed?
So I'll take the advice of Mono and Redpepper and try to vent out my feelings here. I even put down my PSP and got on a computer so I could actually type without a character count limit. soooo.....
I guess I have to give background info first
Ok so this is the situation, I'm originally from Memphis Tennessee, lived there all my life. I have suffered with self esteem issues and borderline depression all my life mostly thanks to my mom making a note to tell me everyday that "You ain't shit" or "You ain't worth a quarter" or "You'll never be shit in life" ect ect and things of that nature. Somewhere along the lines, I guess I started believing her. Even though I have a lot of friends who care about me, I always feel alone...
But I learned to cover it up, emotional weakness is not a luxury I can afford, I grew up in the "hood". So I became a master at suppressing my emotions.
ok so that was the appetizer, here's the main course.
in November of 2009, one week before thanksgiving my mom finally kicked me out *yayyy* and I was fortunate enough to have a friend who let me move in that same night. Everything was fine, I still had my boyfriend at the time, I had 3 secondaries and a few LDRs that were mostly just flirtatious. Well in December one morning on my way to work there was black ice all over the interstate and all the cars just started sliding and crashing, including mine. Luckily I walked away with just a scar on my forehead that may be permanent. But I'm still alive so that's good... right? Then in January my friend had a family crisis and the room I was staying in was needed to house his dad, so I was given a month to move out. I called my brother here in Germany and after hearing about all of the things I was going through, he decided to send me a plane ticket so I wouldn't be homeless. So now I'm here in Germany, before leaving I had agreed to break up with all of my men, so I'm here single... alone. I started working and have made good friends with all of my coworkers, I smile everyday, crack jokes, and do my best to keep everybody in high spirits. But inside I just want to cry, I've been bottling up these emotions for so long... I'm just tired. The problem is I can't let it show, I've become the support structure for all of my friends, they all come to me with their problems and I have to come up with the solutions for everybody, they rely on me to make it better for them, and I'm actually really good at solving their problems, however all of mine go unresolved. Because everyone expects me to have it all together, and always have a plan B C and D (which I usually do) I feel like I'm not allowed to show that sometimes, I just don't know what to do! Even today after messaging a friend on facebook and he telling me about all of the things going on in his life, it kinda stung when he said "You're more together than I am at the moment" because I'm really not, but that's how everyone has come to see me -_-
I feel I have NO ONE to talk to about this, I can't really lean on my coworkers with all the things going on, and I can't talk to my friends back home because of their expectation of me, they somehow don't take my emotional issues seriously. I called my best friend the other day and tried to talk to him about it, he suddenly had to deal with things with his sister and had to go... I tried to call one of my closest female friends and talk, but she is going through alot right now too, and of course her problems took a precedence over mine during that conversation (like always)... I called my sister-in-law but she was too busy watching a movie to hear half the things I said... I'm in this alone... always have been... probably always will be.
I think I may be depressed, even though I try to hide it. I've been drinking alot more. I really don't like myself right now, don't see how anyone else can honestly... I've been having dreams of suicide, and not like conscious thoughts, when I go to sleep I see visions of me jumping in front of passing cars as I walk down the street, or drinking bottles of rubbing alcohol... I don't know what to do about it.... I'm always everyone else's therapist, maybe I need one myself.... *sigh* i dont know... but I have to get ready for work.... later.
When one limits themselves in terms of love, they have missed the point of love altogether ~ RazeGeneration