Not sure if this is polyamory
First a little about my wife and me, we have been married over 5 years and dated two years prior. She is late ‘30s and I am just past 40, we have a small child. Both of us are full time professionals and work hard to balance the demands of work and life. Neither of us are Barbie and Ken. She is very beautiful white, fair skinned, blonde, blue eyes with a nice bust. She will complain about the baby weight she has, but I think she is a goddess. Myself I am showing middle age, balding, and overweight.
Given that we have a small child and the demands of work we have a pretty good sex life together and enjoy being able to have some time to enjoy ourselves. My only wish would be more frequency, but I am grateful for what we have. I have always felt that for me to enjoy sex my wife must enjoy herself as well and I enjoy being oral with her very much and seeing her climax. She in turn is very passionate in the bedroom and when she gets going can be quite intense.
The thought of her enjoying herself with another man (and he enjoying himself with her) arouses me a great deal. It has since even before we were married. For myself I will certainly notice women I feel attractive, but have no interest in having sex with anyone, but my wife. I have been doing a lot of reading online and offline to help me understand this. I also have read Sperm Wars by Robin Baker, which I must recommend to anyone with an interest in this topic. I find that evolutionary biology to be a plausible explanation for this as well as female vs. male physiology. Women are built for sex with multiple males at a time or in short sequence. This is harder for us men who need time to “reload”. This makes it easier for a woman to have multiple males.
In many ways, this is an extension of me wanting to give her pleasure and fulfillment. I imagine my wife enjoying variety and the freedom to sample it. I enjoy the thought of her enjoying seeing a man she finds attractive naked, seeing how the sight of her arouses him. I enjoy the thought of her touching and exploring another man, perhaps someone who is fit and trim. I enjoy the idea of her getting pleasure from kissing and feeling his touch. Her seeing how he responds to her and her to him. I enjoy the thought of her feeling her body against his. Her feeling him push into her, the different feeling his penis in her. The new and different positions she gets to discover and enjoy. I enjoy the thought of her climaxing from him and then enjoying being in his arms afterward.
When I see my wife naked, I imagine other men enjoying her beauty. When I touch her and she touches me I imagine she and another man enjoying that. During sex I imagine her enjoying another man enjoying pushing his bare penis into her and her enjoying feeling him. I imagine him enjoying the view of her breasts moving with each thrust. He feels her great body against him, feeling himself going in deeper as she pushes her hands against the head of the bed. As I cum inside her, I imagine another man enjoying the sensation as he cums inside her. I enjoy the thought of another man helping her climax and he enjoying the sight, sound and feeling as she does.
I imagine a variety of scenarios where this might happen. Perhaps on a girls night out she meets someone, leaves with him at the end of the evening, enjoys some hot sex with him and comes home for hot sex with me and tells me all about her evening and her new “friend”. She does travel to another city a few hours away from us for business on a regular basis. I imagine her meeting a local guy there and inviting him to spend the night with her in her hotel room. I imagine her having a “boyfriend” who she dates and then comes home to enjoy being with me. Having a guy she is interested in over to our home for dinner, seeing her all made up and in a sexy dress. The three of us enjoying wine, food and good conversation all the while they are eying one another. After words I can see the either the two of them going into our bedroom alone, him leaving later thanking me for a wonderful evening telling me how lucky I am. I imagine a number of scenarios where I get sloppy seconds and taking pleasure in knowing she is enjoying herself.
She is well aware of my desire for her to enjoy other men. I have brought it up during sex and after, as well as outside of the bedroom. I feel secure in her love for me and our relationship and am not jealous of her flirting with other men, which she appreciates very much. When she goes out for girls nights she likes having other men chat her up, flirt and buy her drinks. I have enjoyed her flirting with other men when out with her, seeing her enjoy the attention of other men. While she comes home and tells me all about it, her friends whose husbands/boyfriends don’t trust them and/or get jealous envy her being able to share this with me. Before the baby, she would often go out in nice tight fitting and low cut tops, full make up, jeans and boots. Often if I was working late or out with my friends, she would go out with her friends for dinner and drinks. I really liked seeing her before and after and the idea of another man approaching her, flirting and perhaps enjoying her charm. I liked the idea of her enjoying a nice time with her friends, free drinks from guys, flirting and perhaps more. I also really enjoyed the sex after these evenings out and aforementioned imaginings of her enjoying another man.
When I bring up the topic, she laughs, thinks I am crazy/silly, and says it will not happen. I do notice her checking out other men who like the men she dated before me is quite diverse (I am white) including Latin, East Indian, African American and Middle Eastern men. When she goes out, I tell her to stay out a late, as she wants, have fun and enjoy the free drinks. I talk about her enjoying taking a lover and she says who would go for me and laughs it off. She feels that infidelity is very wrong and is dead set against it but at the same time talks about friends of hers who were not meant for monogamy. When we saw Brokeback Mountain, the disturbing part for her was the marital infidelity, not the gay men being lovers as much. She says she would never be with another man. I am slowly introducing the concept of sexual freedom for her while being married to me doesn’t have to hurt what we have. Like others, here in this forum I see it as an opportunity to enhance what we have. However, I am not going to push or force anything. I will continue to enjoy what we have while letting her know she can enjoy herself if she so chooses. I am going to make sure she understands I am ok with her getting to enjoy the best of being in a loving and secure marriage while embracing nature.
I am interested to hear from others suggestions on how to communicate that the door is open while not pressuring her.