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Old 09-01-2010, 08:48 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,006
Default So what Happened next? Patience.

HmmmÖ about double the number of readers I might have expected.

So, Iím trying to remember what happened after that... we went home from the Con, and started to have some deeper conversations. I should probably mention that while I donít think my wife was entirely dragged into this as an unwilling partner to the venture, she was somewhat fed up at this point by my pursuit of unicorns. There were reasons for it, which Iím sure she could explain for herself. There was a point though where it finally got through to me...that if I wanted anything to ever happen, I had to sit back a while and let things happen. I think in hindsight it follows along the lines of going at the pace of the slowest person. I had been focused on a goal, doing whatever I could to drive towards it...and been dragging her along at a pace she was uncomfortable with, even if we had similar destinations in mind.

So I stopped. I listened. And I did as she asked. Not all at once, since I still had to figure things out for myself as was an iterative process, and took a fair amount of time. I stopped bugging her about looking for online matches with me...or even finding her own. (it wasnít a format sheís overly comfortable with) Eventually I got around to changing my search settings to better suit her needs to feel secure in our relationship. (Sometimes I donít get things the first time around...and need to be told more than once to finally get it to sink in...fortunately she can be very patient as well). And I changed what I was looking for, and my focus of effort, from finding a unicorn, to finding out about poly. How did it work? How do you love more than one? How do polyís manage it? Where do I find more information? How do I just Ďletí things happen? (I still struggle with this one, since the nature of my work requires people who take control of the uncontrollable)

I tried to let go a little...and it helped. My wife isnít entirely unlike myself some days...when getting pushed or pulled somewhere, Iíll tend to dig in my heels...even if the place destination is somewhere I donít mind going. For me, an example is the dance floor...if the mood strikes me (and a copious amount of booze probably) I might find myself out there. Whenever someone tries to drag me out there, Iíll spend the entire night guarding empty chairs around the table, just on principle. For my wife it was online dating...and any associated activities.
When I let go, and left it alone for a while, when she was ready, she found her own way to the same place. It just seemed like one day she was willing to talk about non-monogamy/poly, dating sites, our issues, researching, reading books, etc. When she was ready to explore the local poly community, she joined me at the local meets. In fact I think she found this very forum first... which had just started up a couple months before we got to it.

Once I learned patience, it really paid off...just took a little time...and by a little I mean probably 8 months. So for anyone who would ask, ĎIím doing all this work, but how do I get my partner to get into thisí, Iíd just remind them of Princess Leiaís eternal words to Gov. Tarkin, ďThe more you tighten your gripÖ, the more star systems will slip through your fingersĒ. Yes...Iím a gheek...get over it.

At any rate, for me, the long months were well spent working on my own issues.
ďPeople who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.Ē - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

How did I get here & Where am I going?
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