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Old 08-31-2010, 08:00 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Sunny CA
Posts: 293
Default I have not been feeling like myself

This is really just a rant, so that I can get some stuff out of my head:

I have been in a bit of a low spot for the past couple of weeks. I cannot exactly pinpoint what it is that is going on with me, but I have been incredibly stressed out with research and moving, and O.

I have not been as close to O as I would like to be - I think I am getting to the point where I, once again, find I am getting very close to someone and I pull away for fear of getting my heart ripped to shreds.

There is no real justification for this - he has been very affectionate and kind to me, like always.

I wonder if it is the thing with J (which has basically fizzled out due to my being so busy) that has made me confused. I wonder if I am feeling like I am settling in and feeling boring to be with, I wonder if...

J was just too young, I think. I want to remain friends with him, but like the last "relationship" I had with T about a year ago, they just stop returning phone calls. I think this situation is hard for people to deal with. One moment I am "the girl of his dreams", the next jealousy rears its head and "I want to steal you away" comments start.

I sooooooo don't want drama, and so I get freaked out too, and withhold affections in order to enter the friend state, just so I don't have to deal with anymore stressors in my life.

When I start feeling like this I entertain the notion of breaking it off with O. I know he would be hurt, but I get to the point where I am on the verge of too much in my life. I have no reason to break it off with him, other than my typical avoidance mechanisms that click in and out during times like this.

Then the chain of "I don't want my life to be any more complicated", "I don't want to do the poly thing ANYMORE", "I just want to do what I want to do", "If I keep this going and change my mind, that would be worse than just ending it now"...

argh. And then the more rational part of my brain kicks in and kicks down some of these thoughts. I still wonder - maybe wanted a simple life is not that bad of a thing?

It is the stress talking. My labmate just asked me if I was OK, because my eyes are so puffy - not from crying, just from feeling bogged down and helpless.

Last night, I broke down a bit when on the phone with O. I was really moody and upset and was trying my best to not bring him into it. I didn't want to be annoying, or tiresome, or boring, or depressing. I feel like I cannot be like that or else he will eventually leave.

I need to rest. I need to feel loved without being entertaining. I really need to feel like I can love someone and they won't rip my heart out. So I think about just being alone, because I don't believe that someone can really promise that to anyone.

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