Thread: Feeling guilty
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Old 08-31-2010, 03:23 PM
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Originally Posted by TheNewGirl View Post
But i always find myself open to other people. Not always sexually but emotionally. I always find myself wanting more of them and wanting to give more of myself.
Is it possible that you can do this with out being sexual? Our culture seems to think that if we are in a mono relationship we should not have the same amount of depth and attachment to others as we do our partner. As far as I am concerned it has destroyed what holds us together in our communities. We are, by nature, creatures who rely on each other and have attachments and the desire to give... yet we have this cockamamie idea that we should avoid getting too close to others.

Mono and I have a boundary agreement that I will not take on anymore male lovers. When we discussed this I was very concerned and so was he. He was unable and unwilling to handle my having sex with more lovers and confessed that it would mean he would be unable to carry on a sexual relationship with me. He decided that we would still be close and that we always would be, but the sexual aspect of our relationship would probably end.

I was disturbed and distraught for some time. For me sex and emotional connection are closely entwined and the thought of a restriction put on that was hard for me. I agreed to this because I love Mono deeper than most and our sex life is very important to me. As it turned out, agreeing to that meant negotiating just how close I could get to people without it being sexual and in Mono's comfort zone.

In our discussions it became evident that really I wasn't looking to have more sex, just more closeness with others. I don't need to have sex with everyone I meet in order to be close and deep friends with them. I thought I did. Realizing that I had been having sex to make friends made me realize how damaging that was to my sense of self worth. I spiraled into a journey with it all and had a lot of processing to do.

When I came out the other side I was fine with not having any other sexual relationships and instead exploring being closer to those around me without the thought that things could get sexual. They weren't going to and I was confident that I would not make friends as easily or as readily.

It turns out I was wrong. A good number of people confuse closeness with the possibility of having sex. Sex kinda messes with closeness sometimes. I now have a non-sexual boyfriend and we are awesome that way. We go on dates and are close with one another. We share stuff with one another that is not what we share with other friends... we love each other in a way that is deeper than other people, but there is no sex involved. I am fascinated that I can actually be close to him and that we are not going to go down that path.

Not that this means everyone is like this, but perhaps it will help to shed some light on what you are like.

Originally Posted by TheNewGirl View Post
I dont know how to tell her this. Ive cheated on her before and i'm afraid she'll just think thats what i want to do, which is not the case. I just keep coming to the conclusion ( for myself at least) that she cant fulfill me in ways i need. Am i being selfish wanting to explore this life style? everything is getting so confusing and upsetting not knowing what to tell her. Sorry for the babbling i cant see to contain it....
I don't believe that she can't fulfill you in ways you need. I would argue that she does. You just have the capacity to share and receive more. She is perfectly fine the way she is and for who she is. It's unfair I think to think this way and even more so to tell her that.... marketing your desire for change that way will hurt her and make her feel under valued. Poly is meant to enhance ones life, not make it less than it could be I think.

I would suggest talking to her about closeness and what that means to you. how you need to feel close to others and feel restricted some how. Ask her what her boundaries are about that and how she would feel if you invited people to have deeper relationships with you. Then ask about the sex part. I would think that in this way you won't look like a swinger so much as someone who is exploring poly, as that is what you sound like you are capable of being.
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