View Single Post
Old 08-30-2010, 03:19 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Hi Bsti,

Although I do agree to some extent with the thoughts others have shared with you regarding control, consideration etc, I'm not quite as quick to just jump into the "poor you" pool.

Why ? Because there's a LOT left unsaid here !
Obviously there's some issues brewing under the surface between you and your wife. More than likely some on each side. And guess what ? Nobody is talking seriously and openly about those issues ! So now you are where you are and those issues are going to have to come out.

It's a good & necessary thing. Take a deep breath and dig in.

Now..........that being said, I'm going to share a thought or two relative to some specific comments and questions you asked. The thoughts may or may not have any relativity if you and your wife don't get on the same path. But in case you do maybe they can help.

Originally Posted by BstiNatosi View Post
...She says she still loves me, that I will always be "the primary", that she loves and wants to retain the life we've built together, but doesn't want to be bound to the definition of "just friends" with him when she visits. She wants it to be open to whatever might happen between them.
I suspect she has some infatuation with this other guy, fueled by the differences you two haven't addressed and has "discovered" this polyamory thing and sees it as a possible 'have your cake and eat it too' solution.
It CAN work, it's possible that this fits her needs & personality better and it may be legitimate. I'd consider both possibilities until you do the work to discover the truth.

Originally Posted by BstiNatosi;
Although she says she loves me dearly, this is non-negotiable. She feels that she has a right to do as she pleases as an individual, but of course doesn't want to hurt me in the process, which is why I am being given this information at all.
Anything is negotiable and everyone has the right to live the way they feel is best. And everyone also has the right to suffer the consequences. You might want to remind her of this. It's how the world works.

Originally Posted by BstiNatosi;
These notions seem antithetical to what I know Polyamory to be. I don't want to be poly, and she doesn't exactly consider herself poly, she just wants to be with this one man.
I agree, there's little here expressing solid foundations of a successful poly life. Yet. Someone here needs a reality check !

Originally Posted by BstiNatosi;
she keeps sending me articles about Polyamory and how jealousy is merely an irrational fear based on one's own insecurities.
Accurate to some degree - doesn't matter. Cart is ahead of the horse here......

Originally Posted by BstiNatosi;
That the act of your partner having sex with another is natural, practiced in most cultures, and does not deter from the love or intimacy of the primary partnership.
Again, only a partial truth being used as a tool for manipulation. It's not THAT simple !

Originally Posted by BstiNatosi;
She also says that, eventually, I will see the benefits of this for ME, but I fail to see HOW.
yes there CAN be distinct benifits, but there's no guarantee either.
But in many cases if she IS happy in how her life is proceeding she'll be more loving, more happy, more considerate etc. Things can seems like a whole new relationship. Again.....CAN ? But there's some work involved to get there.

Originally Posted by BstiNatosi;
How does her having sex with another man benefit me?
She might become very minky ! Some people's brains work like that. That fact that you are willing to share her that way might be a huge turn on ? If you'd like that idea, keep it in mind as a possibility. But again - no guarantees !

Originally Posted by BstiNatosi;
So here I am, at a crossroads. I am put into a position where I must understand and accept the inevitable, with love. I am to be happy for her, as having sex with another man will...bring us closer together?
No - of course you don't HAVE to ! Just don't automatically close the door until you do some real digging.

Originally Posted by BstiNatosi;
I understand that love is not a limited resource, but sex, to me, is not something to be shared when you've married based on an implied agreement.
This is ONE understanding of the role of sex in a relationship.
It's NOT the only one.
All are valid for the particular individuals.

But now you get to really dig into and evaluate this understanding and make a call for yourself if it's accurate and the best way for you to lead YOUR life.
I'd suggest trying to give it an honest evaluation. You may come out in who knows what direction, but regardless you'll understand yourself better - and the options in the world around you.

Good luck !

Reply With Quote