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Old 08-29-2010, 06:43 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

Hello MCow, everyone has given you some great advice. I suggest you do a tag search on here for topics that you want to know about specifically, ie. Jealousy, cheating, affairs... There are a lot of people in the same boat as you who have a lot of knowedge and their hard earned wisdom is written here on the threads and posts.

I'm so glad to hear that your husband had the integrity to fess up and that he is whiling to learn and grow and make this lifestyle feasable for you.

I wouldn't suggest he continue with this woman until she has also fessed up to her husband and dealt with that before getting in so deep that she destroys the lives of her husband, children and most of all herself. If your husband continues with her, he also will be damaged by this and so will you, as there is really nothing more painful than to realize you are destroying the ever so delicate and unique trust between a man and his wife. It permiates everything in s relationship dynamic eventually. Relationship trust is akin to a childs trust of its parent to me. The bonds and commitments we made when we married created that and to tinker with that creates a world of suffering far beyond what she is imagining right now.

Please realize I say that from far too much experience. I don't say it from no where.

I agree with the idea of discussing boundaries and negotiating what those might be. I don't agree with rules as they are controlling to me and manipulative. Boundaries are far more fluid and can be made by both parties to be changed as needed. Sure, you will both compromise, but compromise for the long haul doesn't seem to work. It seems it means that the boundaries need renegotating when a compromise is getting in the way of ones happiness. Negotiating boundaries on everything will be and should be, I think, an on going discussion that has life within your relationship. There can be criteria however, such as condom use... These you would have to discussed between the two of you.

For example, its a great idea I think to request certain times he is available to talk to her. Everything comes from a need and its important to keep your eye out for what you need and request it. I would suggest that your issue with him texting is that he is not present with you and your family and she gets in the way of that. Your need is for him to be present and attentive to you. If you know this, then that will come up again in different forms and you can address it as such. I need you to pay attention to me. He then will be able to pay attention to that and act out of knowing that.

Sorry, this might be confusing and a lot to take in, I hope not, but in time maybe it will make sense.

Another thing to remember is that there is no rush in all this. His passion for this woman is new and overwhelming. Its called NRE. He needs to remember that while he is all excited about her and about the prospect of what might be with her or others or poly in general, you are not. It is respectful and necessary I think to go at the pace of the one who is struggling the most. That way things can unfold in due course and be comfortable. The whole idea is that everyone is comfortable and feeling good about what is happening. Otherwise it tends to blow up and outwards onto everyone in your life.

Please stick with us here as there are a lot of people to talk to who ARE poly and if this is what your husband want/need, then you will definitely need support.
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