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Old 08-27-2010, 03:27 PM
Skyknight25m's Avatar
Skyknight25m Skyknight25m is offline
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Illinois
Posts: 9
Angry Things seem unfair

Back in March I was on here crying about how my wife had fallen in love with another man and asked me to let him live with us. People gave me some very sound advice that I did not listen to. So here's the situation now.

(S) and I have been married for two years and we have a 2-year-old daughter. She became friends with 19-year-old (G) after meeting him in a videogame chat room back in November. They moved their conversations from the web to the phone and were talking for several hours a day. I wasn't too jealous of that because I'm partially autistic and talking to my wife for several hours would be a chore for me. By March she was confessing to me that they had accidentally developed feelings for each other, and from there we had many long and tearful discussions about polyamory. She was never insistent or pressuring to me and promised to end it if I said the word. In the end, I decided that I loved her and trusted her so much that it would be okay for G to move in with us; with the understanding that if anything at all went wrong, I was going to send him packing.

In May, G was caught and arrested while trying to shoplift a stupid little piece of jewelry or something from a Hot Topic so he could mail it to S. He was put on probation for a year. However, at my wife's urging I wrote several very eloquent letters to officials in Georgia and had his probation transferred to our residence in Illinois.

In July, I signed the lease on a more expensive 2-bedroom apartment so that G could have his own room. I sent him $100 to cover his moving expenses since he was unemployed and had no money. He packed up all his belongings (mostly videogames and manga) and his parents drove him all the way from Georgia to our home in Illinois. They were really nice people and seemed to be weirded out but accepting of G's choice to live with us.

It was a difficult adjustment, but I was surprised to find out that G was much more disturbed by polyamory than I was. It seemed like he resented the closeness that my wife and I had already built with each other. Since moving here he has been very quiet and moody, but I'm told that is just the way he's always been. We would get along really well when playing videogames together, but then whenever I was affectionate with S in front of him, G would silently leave the house and not return for half an hour. And he refuses to talk about his emotions saying he will deal with them himself. G is a sweet guy, and he seems to take care of S and my daughter pretty well, but in most ways he's pretty pathetic and depressing. If S were not in love with him then he is not the kind of guy that I would be friends with let alone live with. I hope that it's just because he's young and needs to grow up some.

G knew when he moved here that he was going to be responsible for some of the finances. One of the only silver linings for me in all this was the idea that he would be lightening my workload. However, it has now been about 2 months since he moved in, and he has only applied for about 5 jobs, and only because I kept reminding him that he needed to get a job. He has not paid for anything, except that he bought himself some Star Wars miniatures with money he got from his grandparents in a birthday card. In fact, I have paid for them to go out to dinner and a movie once. Because of all the emotional stress we were going through, S said that the two of them needed that. G says that he will try to help out financially by selling his plasma, but that will only earn him $40 a week at best, and he has to pay his P.O. each month with part of that money. I know that we are both going to college now and have student loans, but he can at least work part time. I know I will be.

Originally I had said that I would feel more comfortable if they waited at least a week to have sex. That really bothered S and she kept trying to tell me how I was being controlling and I should let go of my jealousy. By the time he arrived she had already got me to agree that they could do whatever they want. So they had sex immediately after G arrived while I went for a walk with my daughter. We had made an agreement that one of us would watch the baby while the other two could have sex undisturbed in another room. But whenever me and S started to head for the bedroom, G would have a nervous breakdown and S would consequently become too upset to want sex. On my side of things, I was very calm and courteous and let them have sex every evening. I only got sex about every other day, and only after G had fallen asleep, and I was told to make it quick. During sex I could feel that he had already been there, and it was a little arousing but also made me feel distinctly like a secondary. I expressed these concerns to S a couple times but she just started crying and apologizing profusely with little or no change in behavior the next day.

Before G moved in, I purchased condoms and divided them into two bags, and gave one to him when he arrived. But my wife disapproved of the condoms because she says she is slightly allergic to them. She believes in natural family planning (rhythm method) even though the month before he arrived, she confessed to having falsely predicted her ovulation days. But you know where this is going... I later found out that no condoms were used, and that they probably conceived the first night they had sex. Now she is almost 2 months pregnant. She says that she is 99% sure that G is the father but won't tell me how she could possibly know that, since we were both not using condoms.

Actually, several months ago she mentioned something about how being uncircumcised makes a big difference in successful conception. Even before he moved in she had been asking me to look at websites about circumcision, and telling me that my member is "mutilated" and that uncircumcised is better at pleasing a woman, better in every way. It made me cry, and it made her cry to see me get upset about it, but she kept urging me to do some sort of restoration. Finally I had to ban the subject from my house for my own self esteem. But it's not easy knowing that she prefers his.

So now S is pregnant. She has hyperemesis gravidarum, or extreme and persistent morning sickness. She feels so sick all the time that she spends most of every day in bed, and it's likely to stay that way until her third trimester. Now all of a sudden neither G nor myself are getting any sex at all for a long time. The three of us are miserable all the time. S is throwing up close to 10 times a day. I go to work full time while G tries to keep her fed and hydrated so she doesn't die. When I come home from work, my toddler is running naked through the house. A potted plant has been dumped out in the kitchen, the garbage is overflowing, all the dishes are dirty, there's food stains on the carpet. G notices that the DVDs on the bookshelf are not organized correctly. He carefully alphabetizes them. Then he goes back to his pristine bedroom to play more videogames.

Did I mention that my wife doesn't even sleep in the same room with me anymore? I upgraded our bed to a king size pillow top mattress so we would have plenty of room, even to co-sleep with the baby. Then I gave our old mattress to G because he didn't have anything to sleep on. But she says that the new mattress is "too soft" and she read that it's bad/dangerous for pregnant women to sleep on pillow top mattresses. So she ALWAYS sleeps in G's bed, and I am always sleeping alone in my room.

When I came out to my parents about our polyamory, they were shocked and disgusted and threatened to stop talking to me until things changed. They said all kinds of horrible things about my wife and I ended up swearing out my parents in her defense. After several weeks of no contact I just recently started to mend relations with my parents/family, who have decided to be more accepting of our poly lifestyle. But it's certainly difficult for me to say that this is a great lifestyle when so many things seem to be going against me lately. Meanwhile, my wife has not told anyone in her family yet and she will probably delay telling them as long as she can.

Based on what you've read, you could either say that I'm the most amazingly tolerant and supportive husband ever, or that I'm being walked all over. Personally, I'm convinced it's the former and that a lot of these issues are just temporary ones. But then I'm an optimist and I like to believe that people can change and grow if they apply themselves and believe in something. I believe in the love that my wife and I share because she tells me "I love you" every day, and I see it in her eyes and feel it when she embraces me.
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