Thank you, everyone, for the replies.
Originally Posted by Sage
This will be scary for her and so you need to take things slowly but you do need to set out your needs and expectations. She will have emotional processing to do but she will eventually have to accept your need to build emotional and physical intimacy with each of them individually as well as jointly, if she wants a successful long term relationship.
That's what I'm trying to do, to give her time to process everything. I think when she feels a little more solid with things and knows that I'm not going to try and either take her from D or take D from her, she'll relax a bit.
She and I had a really good conversation on the phone last night, not talking about all this but just about life in general. I'm hoping that the more she and I talk, the more comfortable she'll be, and so less inclined to put a wall between us having time alone.
Originally Posted by Jennjuice
My GF and I have a love so much different than the love I have for my husband. And I know his love for her is a love seperate than the love he has for me.
Exactly. I don't feel about her exactly the same way that I do about him, but then I haven't felt exactly the same way about any of my partners in the past. Plus which, I know their relationship is primary, and I don't have a problem with that; the fact that they are so in love was part of their appeal, if anything. They've given me an opportunity to share in it, and I want to, but I don't expect them to feel quite the same way about me as they do about each other.
Jkelly, I may try that (asking her to put herself in my shoes and think about whether that would work for everyone). Much like D asking A if them sleeping together without me would constitute cheating, I think it might give her something to mull over. I just need to keep in mind, though, that while D and I both have very analytical thought processes, she processes things a bit differently. For me (and apparently for him), if you lay out a logical argument, I'll think about the details and generally come to a conclusion very quickly. She takes a more circular route and needs more time to do so.
RP, that's very close to the conclusion I came to during our boundary discussion the other day. I wound up saying something along the lines of relationships tend to evolve anyway, and so what we decide today doesn't mean that we'll always want things that way. She had this fleeting expression, very hard to read (fright? shock?), and so the subject changed to more neutral subjects right afterwards.
I think for now, I'm just going to ride the lovely NRE wave, and wait and see how things go. I don't want to rush her.