The mountain / the handhold
Waiting now to talk to B. B called and spoke with my wife, then had to go for a while, but has promised to call back. They are meeting on Saturday--I guess I will not be there, but that is probably for the best. My wife didn't mention anything about how either of us were feeling, which is probably also for the best.
Because, in a nutshell, I'm feeling completely shattered. I told her that I can't go on much longer like this, not feeling there was a way out. I feel a bit like a mountain climber. If I could see where the next handhold was, where the next place I should put my foot, then I'd be...well not OK but a little better off. And I don't really know where that handhold might be, or when I might find it.
And it just continues. It feels as if the slightest bit of happiness is snuffed out in less than a day, that a great time with B and H is immediately followed by dread and doubt and fear, which then lasts until the next time with B and H, which is seemingly great but then followed again by another period of dread and doubt and fear. I want so much to talk to B and work things out but...it's not happening yet.
I just got to talk to B. My wife said that she has not seen me smile like I did when I was on the phone with her. Although my wife talked to her for about three times as long as I did, and I know I'm probably not going to see B for the next three weeks, I feel...some measure of peace. B and my wife are going to meet on Saturday, and my wife is at last comfortable with giving us a little space to ourselves. She's agreed that we can talk on the phone for one night a week, for at least half an hour, without her there. It's going to be a long time before she will feel comfortable with more, and maybe she will never feel comfortable with us being alone (maybe H will never feel that way either).
But is this the first handhold? It seems that way. There is so, so much for my wife and I to work through, not just in relation to B and H but also with each other. And neither is this the last difficult day I'm going to go through. But...there is a way upwards.