Oh my God
I think I'm polyamoric. Or whatever it is. Finally I've found some place where I can talk to people who understand! FINALLY! Thank goodness!
Okay, now I'll calm down and explain a little bit about myself. I'm a 20-year-old woman in a monogamous relationship. My boyfriend is wonderful and I think I could, maybe, some day, fall in love with him. But. For years, I have thought myself to be um... Unfit for relationships? What's the word... I feel I can't commit to one person for a long period of time. I've had several boyfriends and the relationships always ended because I wanted out. Why? I was always thinking about some other people I'd like to get involved with. How in hell did I end up in a mono relationship AGAIN after all those experiences? Maybe I thought this would be different... Maybe there's something wrong with me, maybe I can be cured, maybe I can forget about other people I'm attracted to.
But last weekend, something happened. Me and my boyfriend were at a friend's house and got really drunk. This male friend happens to be someone that I've been attracted to for years but nothing has ever happened between us. Anyways, he started flirting with both me and my boyfriend. I understood that he would have liked to have a threesome and I was VERY excited about that. But my boyfriend... not so much. :/
After that trip me and my bf had a long and honest conversation about me wanting other people. We're both glad we can be honest about things as hard as me wanting his FRIEND... We have a really good relationship... But. Yeah. We have a problem.
So here I am. I want an open relationship. He does not. We have something wonderful here but I know that in the end, I'll choose myself. I just can't live like this. I need to have the freedom to get intimate with people I want to be intimate with. And I don't want just some cold sex and no talking. I want people that I feel are special, like that friend of mine and my bf, let's call him J. He's such an intelligent, sexy and amazing guy... I want to be his friend but I also want to, you know...
Maybe this does not make any sense and I know I'm ranting like crazy but I just feel confused.
To sum up:
-I'm 20 years old
-I have a boyfriend
-I think I'm polyamoric. I at least want an open relationship.
-I'm confused and came here for support
Also, I'm sorry for my bad? English, it's not my native language. I'm also sorry for all the ranting and that I may have given you an impression that I'm stupid and naive when I'm actually quite smart and I hate to give bad first impressions but I just have to LET THIS OUT!
I hope you'll accept me to this forum and I hope I'll have many interesting and insightful conversations with you. If I broke any forum rules with my message, I'm sincerely sorry. I won't, however, edit my message now, because I need this, you have no idea how therapeutic this is for me.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot. My sexual orientation: Bi-curious