Thread: Balance
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Old 08-25-2010, 03:54 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
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Originally Posted by Brunetteangel03 View Post
...... I mean I totally understand that they are a married couple, but does that mean he will just put me aside sometimes? I think he should have at least told me he wouldn't be communicating all night, but to just NOT do it. And when we go on dates together he texts his wife most of the night...I don't know maybe I am just letting my stupid emotions run wild, I think there needs to be more communication on this topic with him though, just so I am clear what to expect the next time.
Hey Angel,

I feel your disappointment. Things like this are always the hard part of being in a 'secondary' role. I don't think anyone likes this term or the way it's often handled, but it's more important to understand it (truly) and keep it in some proper context.

When any third party (in the majority of cases) comes into the picture of an existing couple, it takes some time and a LOT of good, non-emotional, conversation to take place. This isn't really the fault of the individuals in most cases, it's the fault of the culture we are raised and live in. The whole concept of "marriage" brings with it this idea of certain rights and expectations into the other persons (spouse) life, feelings, actions etc. This is why the shutout occurred. There's a mindset that when the two are together the rest of the world should be shut out. If the shoe were on the other foot I suspect you'd feel the same (if you were the married one).
It's a mode & mindset that doesn't mesh well with poly relationships at all, and I think everyone feels that. BUT....it takes time to overcome - like any bad habit - like biting nails etc. And while it's happening it can be a real struggle for the secondary.

There's been endless discussions even here on this forum about the 'secondary' role and complications. If you search you will find them all - pretty heated topics overall.

My take on all this - having been on both sides of the coin - is that I have to keep it foremost in my mind that this IS NOT PERSONAL ! It's largely a cultural thing and is going to take time to find a better way of navigating. As the relationship grows and solidifies, it will get better.

It's not easy, and it hurts. But if you can hang in there and just have good, non-volatile conversations about it, it will get better.

Don't over-react. Everyone is still learning and practicing.

GS
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