Last night was difficult. My wife was very upset with B's attempt to go around her and H, and wanted to talk to her. She did and was surprised by the depth of her emotion...anger mostly but betrayal and hurt. She said to me she didn't want to be accusatory but it came out that way she admitted. B was kind of evasive with some of her answers
My wife was angry after that and we argued but we kept communicating. I got the sense this all might be over. I told my wife that "if you want to end this tell me to end it now, and we will get through it, but as it is we're getting very hurt
" She didn't want to. I got the sense she said it so I wouldn't get hurt. I wish she knew I am already hurting uncontrollably. I felt betrayed by B too. I told her in a text "you need to stop going around people or we will lose each other."
B wrote to both of us individually and also together. She spent all night writing by the look of the time stamps on the emails. She admitted she was going too fast with me, and was afraid she was scaring my wife. She said or claimed to be telling H everything about how she felt about us. She claimed he was already aware. I want to believe her but my wife isn't sure. She also says she wants to be polyfaithful to us but H isn't ready for that. My wife doesn't believe that. She also says she loves my wife and my wife REALLY doesn't believe that. I'm not sure she could ever regain my wife's trust after yesterday.
B also said she is planning to take a trip away at short notice, for a week or more. My wife and I think she's running away from her problems. I hope she takes the time to think about things. But her decision to do this is really demonstrating how vulnerable and damaged she is. I want to tell her no don't do this, but it's not my place to do it. So I sit here paralyzed in fear. Will she come back to change her mind? Will she come back at all?
Will my wife and I survive this? It's the only non-negotiable thing. She is worth more to me than anything. But I see emotions in her that are frightening and I can neither push B away nor get closer ... the first because she will always blame herself for ending it and breaking my and B's heart, the second because she will have the broken heart.
I read here that "the joys in polyamory are multiplied But the pain is exponential." Three people make me happy but their fears and multiple relationships are almost infinite. I wish I had a better realization.