I hung out with my SO and her OSO Friday and Saturday. Saturday I went to my SO's sister's engagement party. It was(to me) a big family affair. The thing is that my SO is kinda sorta closeted. It is difficult because I don't know if I should be closeted or not when it comes to her family. This is especially difficult if someone comes out and asks me who I am to my SO(which happened this Saturday).
I ended up deciding to be closeted and make sure that the focus was put on the sister and not my own dating proclivities.
But the most difficult part was that it accentuated something that I have been struggling to accept.
When I first started dating my SO she made it clear that she just thought of it as having two boyfriends. The thing is that no matter what she says, there has emerged what seems to me is a clear hierarchy and, to be blunt, I am not on the top. Her OSO is the "official" BF for family functions and is the BF that she lives with. I live on my own, talk to her online and see her a few times a week when I hang out with them at their apartment. Even if she sees us as two boyfriends or coprimaries, the reality of the situation is that her OSO is a primary in every way that primaries are externally measured and I am the secondary.
When things are going ok, this gives me time to do things I want to do like travel, reading, watching movies that her and her OSO don't like, and engaging with the world in a way that she doesn't want to.
When things are rough this gives me time to be more and more miserable and lonely.
This is one of those low periods, unfortunately. I just need to knuckle down, man up, and get through it. I don't know if tomorrow will be a better day, but it will be a different day and that is a start.