We had a bit of a break through on Friday night. I drove home from work and called PN on the phone (no I wasn't driving and phoning,,, it was hands free!
). I knew he had had a hard week and was struggling with getting his mind wrapped around camping so I called to see if he wanted to talk about it. He ended up staying at home Friday night and coming for breakfast in the morning.
We got into the same old stuff in our conversation about my need for privacy in the form of creating a room just for me. He didn't get it again and it spiraled, as it usually does, into my anger and his defense of that anger.
At one point he asked me if I would see him in the same if I had my own room... would we have the same issues in terms of how we do our finances and how we are when we have arguments. I said that I would not see him in the same way because I would have enough energy to talk things through, rather than blow up. I said that I would guess that a lot of the issues we have out side of the privacy one, would be lessened because my need for space would be met. I told him that I agreed that we needed to have more conversations and more time to talk about things in the spirit of connecting rather than getting by, but I am spent now. I have nothing to give him because I am not getting my basic need for privacy met.
To my astonishment I think he heard me. He had a bit of a moment of silence and then asked me questions about how my life would change in terms of how much I go out and how much time I spend doing other things that are not related to alone time. I don't know how to answer that because I really don't know how things will trickle down. I think it would take at least a year to settle into a new dynamic. It's kind of like starting a new relationship... one with my room. I really don't know how that will go. I know I will have major NRE though!
Now he thinks that I see it as his fault that this has gone on so long. He really didn't know I was asking for this for so long. He had not realized how often I have sucked it up but it hadn't gone away. Now he feels bad and thinks that he is in someway "wrong" and I am "right;" that he is at fault.
I see the issue of my needing my own room (and several situations/issues in my life) as doing a puzzle. He talked of being in a process about it and I agreed. The puzzle is the process... I have been doing this puzzle for a long time. I have been requesting him to help out, but he hasn't heard it. Now he has. I have been asking him to help me put the puzzle together because I can't do it alone. Now he hears me and has sat down at the table to help. We are organizing pieces first in order to make it easier... sometimes tackling one part is easier. This Friday we started with the edges and I think completed that part! Now we have to fill the rest in after we have organized....
completed puzzle? Me with my own room=getting privacy back into my life
getting there... slowly but getting there.