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Old 08-23-2010, 01:55 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
@ Jenjuice re interesting jealousy stories. You're in luck, I wrote mine up on my blog .
http://polyamorouspeople.typepad.com...ompersion.html

At the time I was a total mess but I now see it as a kind of "jealousy crisis". I've felt jealousy since but never as bad. This happened over two years ago and I can still relate to the feelings but I can also see some humor in it now.

Can anyone else relate to a "jealousy crisis"? When you're hit by it like an emotional ton of bricks and all rational thought goes flying out the window?
Sage, I could completely relate to that feeling. I have felt it before. I have lived it before. I could see myself in your story.
The thing is... It wasn't a "jealousy crisis" for me. I never saw it as that. I never thought of it as that.
For me, it was a terrible, terrible experience of abandonment and loneliness. I've actually experienced it a couple of times, each worse than the next.
But there was never another woman involved. Never. And it wasn't always my boyfriend, either... Friends, family, too.

I'll give you my strongest one: I was supposed to have my first time (ever) and my boyfriend never showed up. I called him, he didn't answer. I had the apartment (my parents', at the time) to myself for that day, had planned out the whole evening, he never came.
I was left alone and it was horrible. Every second that past I resented him more. As I finally fell asleep after an incredibly long night of calling, texting, crying, I just felt empty.
It turned out the next day that he had spent the night in the hospital... Nothing too serious, he was out the next day, but it was definitely something I could understand, and certainly not his fault. It didn't "fix" the fact that I was left so lonely, but most of the negative feelings just vanished. Oh, so he hadn't abandoned me. He hadn't left me. He was still there. Really, in the end, I was kind of the one who hadn't been there for him, in a way. It really changed my perspective on the whole thing.

That feeling, I believe, at least in my case, isn't jealousy. It's loneliness, abandonment, the feeling of not being appreciated, not being important. In your story Sage, I feel like it might have been the same thing. I could be wrong but tell me, if it had been a business trip rather than going to see his other girlfriend, and the rest had happened exactly the same way, would you have felt the same, or would it have been different?
Your feelings had nothing to do with his girlfriend I feel (and I'm sorry if I'm completely mistaken), they had to do with you, and how it made you feel.

I've worked on myself to be less dependent on people and realise that things do happen. When someone doesn't answer their phone, I used to assume they were either upset with me or too busy having fun to answer. But now I realise that's not the case.
I think it takes a lot of trusting to stop feeling that way. You need to trust that even though they're away and not in contact with you, these people still care about you, and you're still important to them. Just like they're still important to you. In the end, for me it turned out to be my own insecurities talking, and the reason why the person or people in question couldn't be reached was irrelevant to that. And the time, with no contact, no knowledge of what they were, what they were doing, I obsessed and imagined the worst and fell into a depressive state, mixed with a lot of resentment because they "were hurting me", and "if they loved me they wouldn't be doing that to me", but really, I was doing it to myself.

So, I recognise myself in your story, but in my case at the very least, I wouldn't say it was jealousy. I'd say it was abandonment, possibly withdrawal, and a lack of self-confidence. I've always seen jealousy as being directed at "the other one", or at least something where "the other one" is relevant, but in your case you're not talking about how you thought she was better, or that he loved her more than you, you were annoyed that you couldn't reach him and it made you feel like he had brushed you off.

I realise I wasn't there and might just be projecting my experience on yours, so I'm sorry if I seem out of line there.
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