I'm really struggling with my feelings about Seth. I swore up and down that I wasn't going to let NRE blindside me, so I've been on my guard about it, but there has been the strange side effect that I have been extremely worried about whether or not he will want to see me again. It's like if I'm not all caught up in the newness of it, I'm convinced that he's not going to be there at all. It makes me wonder if NRE actually serves a function in the beginning of relationships.
My rational brain has been feeding me a continual stream of comments about the situation in an effort to placate myself, but I'm still a nervous ball of energy and I don't think I'll be content until I see him at least once more. Ah, but even that is a fallacy! Bah. I feel like I'm running around in circles in my brain, and the really funny thing is that I have all you guys from the forum taking up parts in my head. It's going something like this:
WHEEEE!!!! I"m so hap-- *CRASHANDBURN* He's never gonna talk to me again, is he?
What are you talking about?
Just breathe, honey.
We have plans! Besides, he said he wasn't going anywhere, didn't he?
Yeah, but MEN LIE REALLY BAD.
Sounds like someone has some trust issues.
Fuck you, YGirl.
It's NeonKaos now.
Oh, well then Fuck you, NeonKaos!
No, Fuck you, FU.
Ladies, please. This isn't constructive.
I hate to disagree, but I think YGirl has a point.
Yeah, Emotion, I sort of agree with Ari. Where's this coming from?
And so then I'm left with something constructive to explore. Thanks, you guys! What wonderful self exploration tools you've all become!
But anyhow, that does seem to be the key point for me. I am having some trust issues. Nothing really do to with Seth at all. If I'm being honest, I think it has to do with the fact that I don't feel desirable, which feels absolutely absurd because the rest of my self-confidence is firmly in place. I mean, I'm an awesome, capable, creative, interesting person! I just think that I have isolated myself for so long that I have forgotten how to trust that others can see that and appreciate that. Or that they can appreciate my body as well. I'm very invested in being everything I just described about myself because I feel like I'm compensating for my appearance in some way. Which is to say that I feel comfortable in my own skin, but when I think about what other people's reactions may be to me I feel a huge disconnect. Yeah, I should probably work on that too.
I'm really identifying with inlovewith2's discussion of the importance of sex
and AnotherBo hit the nail right on the head when we were talking earlier. I really think I need to experience some of that positive feedback from a person other than my husband. I need to feel that I'm desirable to someone other than my husband. Don't get me wrong, I love what I have with my husband, and it's very fulfilling. But I also need to be reminded that desire for me isn't just a product of love and years of rewarding work.