So here's the question (finally) ...Is it really fair for me to try to be who I am and ask her to share me when I am not OK with her being with another man? Is this counter-intuitive to the ideas of polyamory? Do others live by these rules or feel the same way? It feels selfish of me to lay down that rule but I would rather not be with others that to share her with another man.
Let's take a moment and pause the judgment. Questions of fairness are elusive. Your feelings are your feelings and I think it is a lot more productive to sit with those, see where they are coming from, and assess whether they can be changed.
I've been giving this a lot of thought lately. DW has begun dating a woman, who sounds very lovely. He'll ask me if I'm comfortable with this or that and I say yes, each time to his great surprise. For a while, it upset him further that I was ok with it. IOW, not only was I ok with being with another man, but being ok with him being with another woman was further salt in the wound.
There is a part of me that feels like I "should" be okay with it, because it's "fair". So, I think that's where it started, but as time went on, and I began having wonderful experiences (and none sexual in this time frame), I thought "why wouldn't I want him to feel this way?". I mean, I essentially get to relive our early dating days by dating others *and* being with him, someone for whom my love has grown very deep. So why wouldn't I want that for him? And he's so freaking cute as the dating guy ;-).
I don't know if that's helpful to you, but I think what I'm suggesting is to pause for a bit and sit with those feelings. Try to consider how the alternatives might feel to you. And yes, obviously consider how your partner feels.