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Old 08-21-2010, 05:11 PM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 117

So here's the question (finally) ...Is it really fair for me to try to be who I am and ask her to share me when I am not OK with her being with another man? Is this counter-intuitive to the ideas of polyamory? Do others live by these rules or feel the same way? It feels selfish of me to lay down that rule but I would rather not be with others that to share her with another man.
Let's take a moment and pause the judgment. Questions of fairness are elusive. Your feelings are your feelings and I think it is a lot more productive to sit with those, see where they are coming from, and assess whether they can be changed.

I've been giving this a lot of thought lately. DW has begun dating a woman, who sounds very lovely. He'll ask me if I'm comfortable with this or that and I say yes, each time to his great surprise. For a while, it upset him further that I was ok with it. IOW, not only was I ok with being with another man, but being ok with him being with another woman was further salt in the wound.

There is a part of me that feels like I "should" be okay with it, because it's "fair". So, I think that's where it started, but as time went on, and I began having wonderful experiences (and none sexual in this time frame), I thought "why wouldn't I want him to feel this way?". I mean, I essentially get to relive our early dating days by dating others *and* being with him, someone for whom my love has grown very deep. So why wouldn't I want that for him? And he's so freaking cute as the dating guy ;-).

I don't know if that's helpful to you, but I think what I'm suggesting is to pause for a bit and sit with those feelings. Try to consider how the alternatives might feel to you. And yes, obviously consider how your partner feels.

Good luck,
Married for 14 years to an amazing man, "David Webb" on the forum
Discovered that I was poly in January 10,
forging my path together with the best partner I could ever ask for!
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