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Old 08-20-2010, 04:51 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: South of an Igloo, North of a Desert.
Posts: 883

For the record,..I am NOT suggesting, or pushing you to break up and back away. Only you can decide that. I try to examine things from a 360 degree view many times...So there is my disclaimer.

When you speak of disconnect between the brain and the heart, you are right, it`s just not there. I have felt this way before too. What I have discovered is, ( if I truly knew it was best) I had to live it, and go through the motions first, before that became my 'new normal'.

I tend to err with logic rather then emotion in times of upheaval. So for me, when I had a hard time disconnecting, I looked at how many days/months it took me to 'fall' for that person. For me, it was 3 months. I then gave myself 3 months to learn to disconnect. Logic being, however long it took me to fall in, it would take me that long to crawl out. It was not etched in stone, but it gave me a starting point, and a goal.

I did not make myself try and 'get over' him. Instead, I accepted the fact I would need to love that person from afar. I would always, care, but being in each others life was out of the question. Great thing with being poly, is we don`t have to quit loving someone, in order to invite someone new into our lives.

I really feel for you in your secondary position. While I do believe extensively in a primary/secondary relationship, I read all the heartache secondaries go through, and really feel for many of them. So much is expected of a secondary, and so little in return sometimes. You are right, that it is truly unfair that you held back, and when you did finally let yourself love, you are not reaping the benefits of that love.
It sounds like she wants to be fair, and wants to invite you in, but her fear and her 'demons' are stopping all that. The relationship is catering to fears, rather then working through them and progressing.

I think poly relationships are always going to be a real uphill battle, when dealing with someone who has emotional problems. Poly relationships require mentally healthy individuals.
Sounds like you have tried to be a role-model of a secondary. You have done all you can do, which probably doesn`t sit well with you,..You strike me like a 'fixer'
While you dont want to really take a break, I`m not sure you can trust either of them to put your best interests in, as a equal part of the equation. The husband sounds 'spent' and if he did leave her, it can`t be 'for' you. You will always doubt the integrity of the relationship then.

Look after yourself, and don`t pull their problems on your own shoulders. Look after your body, get good sleep, eat well.
If you have done all you have said, and put your best foot forward, time will tell if that couple deserves such a person as you, and if they appreciate that.

Remind yourself, you deserve people who appreciate the effort you put forth.

Did you ever see a long story/poem that got sent around as a forward, called " The Awakening' ? Its a good one to read during times like this.
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