I hate this. I hate the fucking up and down emotional roller coaster.
I had plans for tonight. I had a great chat with Pengrah about her and her relationship with Wellington and so as I was getting ready to leave I texted her with "Are you available if he needs you?"
I was ok. I was comfortable in knowing that he had somewhere to turn if he needed to.
And on the way home I'm full of tears. I had fun where I was - but it was like having cookies. They taste good - but are not very nourishing.
I wanted poly because I needed/wanted more.
Now - my dh has someone he's crushing on - and while he's with me - he's WITH me - but I have less - because how much of his time is spent thinking about her, looking forward to being with her... yanno, all that wonderful NRE stuff? But I don't have it.
And then there's the issue that left me feeling so horrible on Sunday night/Monday morning. That issue continues to leave me feeling stigmatized and less than. I don't know how to move past it.
For 3 days now - I"ve had nothing but heavy, intense conversations. Very little fun, light, friendly conversations and I watch everyone around me having those.
So to sum it up, right now....
1. I feel stigmatized. Don't know how to get past that.
2. I am slightly lonely - because not only do I not have another partner, I don't have my husbands full attention either.
3. I need fun. And from those who matter to me most - I'm not getting it.