Originally Posted by redpepper
Thanks to both of you.
We talked again on the way to work. I am so close to the surface with this. My emotions overwhelm immediately. Our boy spends the whole time telling us to stop talking. How do I teach him that its important that everyone has a chance to talk bout their needs and sometimes people get upset while having a need to talk? My parents spent my whole childhood trying to belittle my need to talk about needs due to the passion have and feel when I do. Now as an adult I am the same way and am made to stop talking by my son. Talk about reliving a trauma. I keep reminding him that we all need to talk, but he's too young to know more than that I think. I understand he thinks I'm angry and it scares him. I'm scary when angry. There is no doubt about that!
I asked PN if he understood what I have been saying. I feel so unheard. He wanted to know AGAIN what I mean by space. I've been over it and over it. I got him to think about empathizing and what I have been saying. I'm trying to get him to do the leg work. He said he would try to get out of the house once a week, as he hardly ever goes out. I am sorry to say, but I just saw that as an insult at this point. That and false promises. I have been disappointed so often before, I just don't believe it. He's promised that before even. I guess one thing is he got what I have suggested as far as changing our living situation. I told him I would have to rent a bachelor suite if it doesn't change.
Kids do tend to not understand that we can discuss things without arguing/throwing things. This has been a long, hard fought battle with my oldest but he has learned to give himself a time out in order to let his emotions cool off before facing the situation.
Requiring a space of one's own is NOT an unreasonable request! We have a two bedroom apartment & I have no space of my own either. Every space is ours! (except the kids room & that's because I need to napalm it before I'll attempt going in there). I can't even take a bath in peace because there's only one bathroom! Closet space? I use a wardrobe & it's crammed full!
I've chatted with people online who can NOT stand to be alone, they've got to have someone around (or sound like the radio or something) all the time. I can't comprehend this concept, lol. It's foreign to me.
Breathes enjoys his alone time as well but he's always got to have some sort of noise going on, even while sleeping
. It took him a few years but he finally! learned to not turn the tv, radio or other noise maker on as soon as he walks in the door unless he wants to closet himself in the bedroom because I can't stand it! I don't know what the problem is with me but I need the peace and quiet (yes, this is a need, not a want), if there's too much noise happening nothing gets my undivided attention and things, or people, suffer because of it.
Do the two of you have a mutual friend, who's in the loop, who understands both you & PN who can perhaps mediate (translate) for you? If there isn't that communication workshop sounds like just what the doctor ordered
This brings to mind the book The Five Love Languages. I haven't read it yet but I've heard some really great things about it. I'm sure you could find it in audio format.
You take care of you & the rest will fall into place because your frustration levels will be so much less