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Old 08-17-2010, 03:58 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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I decided to take advantage of the weather and move out to the van for me time. We have a camper van that we don't run anymore as it's become expensive (1976, GMC hard top). I love the thing, it was a wedding present from my parents and NP and I used it a lot, the ex and I have been on some trips in it too. It makes a good bedroom of sorts for now

Mono helped me set it up. He came over especially to do so and we watched the end of "the office" on the tiny black and white tv in there after I made the bed, checked for propane, and moved the camping gear over. We snuggled for a sec and decided to go in before "something" happened.

NP thinks that it's because I don't love him. He thinks our connection is broken for good. He thinks that he has forced me out and its because of the break up whatever it was thingy with roly that I have decided this. It's not. It was the catalyst, but not because of it.

He has asked me to be more loving, more huggy, more sex, more fun times and more NRE... or ORE (old relationship energy) and I can't do that if I am not getting some of my needs met. I can live without Mono downstairs, but I can't live with this lack of space anymore. It is making me feel disconnected and inward as I protect myself and go into my head to have space. I can't put out if I am not receiving...

I feel so selfish.
Who am I to make demands like this?
Has he not given the whole way along?

I don't know, part of me thinks like that and part of me thinks, hey! I have given a lot too. I agreed to her coming and staying with us. I agreed to give them space, I picked him up after his last girlfriend, I am attempting to with this one by making some arrangements to be stronger so I can do that...

why do I feel like crying then?

I came into the house just now and feel worlds better, just from the few minutes I had in the van that was MY OWN!!!! MY OWN SPACE! *weep*

*cling* I'm clinging to this feeling so that I might be grounded and balanced again so I can be strong for my family and my lovers and my friends... and myself.
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