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Old 08-16-2010, 05:58 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,188

Originally Posted by krebs77 View Post
I decided to ask her out formally, saying I wanted to be girlfriends officially. She then said she wasn't sure she had enough time and couldn't commit to see me often enough to be a "good girlfriend".

This is the second time this has happened to me recently. I was seeing another woman for about the same time and she was also in a long term relationship. As things started to get more serious, she suddenly decided that me wanting to see her a few times a week was not possible and she ended the relationship.
A good many of the Burner peeps I have locally are in their 20s and early 30s (I'm an old fart). They generally keep busy enough that scheduling much of anything is difficult. Indeed, a common lament from them is that they don't have enough time to see all of their friends often enough amongst all of the activities.

So lack of time is very much a concern. It's a concern among older peeps, too, whose lives have slowed down a bit.

It appears you're getting caught between the whirlpool of time and the rocks of differing expectations. They don't have much time available and they're not really expecting an increase in time spent on relationships.

I'll suggest finding folks who aren't involved in other relationships, or folks who are actively looking for additional serious relationships or folks who truly do have more time available in their schedules. Part of gauging compatibility involves looking at how lives are likely to mesh or not--and busy folks already in serious relationships and not really looking for another aren't the most compatible for somebody wanting a serious relationship.

I'll also suggest letting the relationships grow more naturally. If you want to see more of a person, ask for another date one week and see how that works. It may take a bit of time before somebody's ready to juggle things around in a schedule to fit in another date. Dropping a change in relationship on them as a formal request for more time spent together coupled with a declaration of things suddenly getting Serious(tm) is likely to prove jarring and off-putting. Allowing that more serious bond to develop on its own works so much better, in my experience.

As for how much time...well, I'm not certain a woman is serious about dating at all until she's been around 8 or 9 months. I'm not convinced she's serious about a relationship with me until she's been around for at least twice that. I tend to take a longer view of matters than most people seem to do, so I wouldn't necessarily recommend using my reckoning of these things. 3 months sounds really rushed to me, though--more importantly, it doesn't appear to be working out well for you.

There's also that problem of differing expectations. Have these women ever expressed a desire for a serious relationship beyond their primary? Is what they consider a serious relationship what you consider a serious relationship? Have you ever discussed with them what they wanted on a long-term basis?
When speaking of various forms of ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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