Originally Posted by jkelly
I think that I'll defend J a bit, at least on this point.
It's important for people to ask for exactly what they want in relationships. If what J wants with you is a friendship (or a friendship with occasional benefits), she wouldn't be doing you any favours to pretend otherwise. And there's nothing wrong with trying to renegotiate dynamics. You're suggesting that what she wants doesn't work for you, which is fine, but she shouldn't be faulted for being clear about what she can and can't offer right now.
Also, people's feelings are often mutable. People meet, get involved, and then things stop working well or feeling right for one person, sometimes suddenly. I understand that you attach a lot of importance to declarations of love, but not everyone does. It's totally possible she was expressing a connection she felt that had developed in those two and a half months, but that she is either no longer feeling or she feels she needs to back away from. As Gwendolyn suggested, there could be all sorts of things going on that you don't know about that are influencing her feelings and thinking.
I'd encourage you to let the relationship between your wife and D develop, if it's making them happy and working out. You may find that in time things sort themselves out into a dynamic that works well for everyone.
I don't disagree with you on that. While hard to hear, it's better to have that put out and clarified, and not try to hide/avoid it. What makes it hard is coming up with that a week after saying she loved me. The declaration of love was/is something that is tough to admit/say for me, but it also was for J too.
One part (kindof a big one) about my wife and D's relationship was involving the four of us. While J and I were both travelling for example last week, S and D hung out every day and they did have sex a few times (which didn't bother me, and J said she was ok with. Not sure if that was true based on how she was when she got home). While they both had fun, they both agreed that it wasn't complete without the four of us there (for the sexual part).
My and my wife's relationship is also based on a level of even-ness. Right or wrong, that's what we determined early on what worked best for us. Whether it was with finances, twizzlers in the bag, swinging, it was about being equal for us. We never took one for the team as it were in the lifestyle; if one of us didn't like the other, then we moved on. Like I said, right or wrong, that's how we work, and it's worked for 9 years that way. I haven't said to her not to continue the friendship, and she should continue training with him (he's a personal trainer also), and if they want to hang out that's fine (as long as it doesn't interfere with his family or ours). The continued sex part is uncertain.
At this point we both want to meet other people too though. We're not models or anything like that, but we've never actually had to search for new couples on the sites; we've always been messaged first. Plus for Labor Day we are going to LA to spend the weekend with a couple we've known for awhile (and if we had both stayed in AZ might have turned into a relationship).