Originally Posted by Cryptoboy
The four of us have said all along that it's more or less an all or nothing thing; if someone isn't happy, that we all work to address it or the situation would change. Well that has happened but J still wants us around - almost like she wants her cake and eat it too.
I think that I'll defend J a bit, at least on this point.
It's important for people to ask for exactly what they want in relationships. If what J wants with you is a friendship (or a friendship with occasional benefits), she wouldn't be doing you any favours to pretend otherwise. And there's nothing wrong with trying to renegotiate dynamics. You're suggesting that what she wants doesn't work for you, which is fine, but she shouldn't be faulted for being clear about what she can and can't offer right now.
Also, people's feelings are often mutable. People meet, get involved, and then things stop working well or feeling right for one person, sometimes suddenly. I understand that you attach a lot of importance to declarations of love, but not everyone does. It's totally possible she was expressing a connection she felt that had developed in those two and a half months, but that she is either no longer feeling or she feels she needs to back away from. As Gwendolyn suggested, there could be all sorts of things going on that you don't know about that are influencing her feelings and thinking.
I'd encourage you to let the relationship between your wife and D develop, if it's making them happy and working out. You may find that in time things sort themselves out into a dynamic that works well for everyone.