I called of the wedding. I hurt Bob, very badly, and as such I am hurting more than I can handle. I begin to wonder if I should have just forced my feelings for John away and sequestered them, to hurt myself rather than hurt Bob. I would rather hurt myself than anyone else. Last night was very rough for me, and there were several times when I wished I had not been born or that god would kill me and take me away becasue hell couldn't possibly be worse than what I am feeling.
I hurt more than just Bob, I hurt him, his mother and everyone who cares about him. I still love him, but Bob could ever truly understand this part of me, as such I could not be happy with him, but it is small consolation and does not make it hurt any less. I slept a total of 4 hours last night and I wish I could sleep more to escape my own pain. I am regretting heavily what I've done, and I feel sick. I don't know how I will ever get past this, but right now I can't stop thinking about what I've done to Bob and how much I've hurt him. It hurts me to know I did this, and makes me sick that I could hurt someone so badly.
But yet I know I couldn't live without John too, he helped me last night but this morning I still feel I have wronged Bob. I wish I had not been cursed with such a big heart that I could love so many, for right now it is only a painful thing.