View Single Post
  #45  
Old 08-14-2010, 05:27 AM
Jade Jade is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: in a house
Posts: 189
Default Maybe the distance is a good thing?

I can't believe I'm thinking it. My lover told me, maybe four months back, "I kind of like the distance." I told my husband later, "I wish I'd asked what he meant." But time was limited. It was too close to the meet up with our respective spouses and the goodbye, and all I wanted to do was hold him. I have damned the distance for two years... too far to resolve conflicts easily, too far to hug, too far to ask the hard questions, too far to get the concrete reassurance when I feel the pounding of doubts.

An amazing thing happened when work became crazy. I didn't have time to mourn and stress about the distance. I finally disconnected in some way. Maybe it was the death of NRE. I don't know. But somehow, in that disconnect, I found a feeling of security in the quad that I had not known before. We used to tell our significant others, "We're not going anywhere," and they'd say the same in return. I don't think I believed them. The process of relationship building was so extraordinarily slow... As we approach a week together though, with no preceding efforts to tempt or flirt or convince, and even after some "tough love" on our part, I'm thinking they must have been telling the truth.

The distance has been difficult, but perhaps not without its benefits? I am someone who feels deeply, deeply enough to scare off the weak or uncertain. I can be fierce in argument and recrimination, and my natural posture is one of "preparation for the worst." Our lovers recognize this in me, but they've been spared the brunt of it because of the distance.

I once told my lover, "We don't really see the worst of each other, because we don't have to deal with each other day in and day out." "Isn't that a good thing?" he asked. I suppose, when time is a precious resource, it really is.
Reply With Quote