I sure could use a mentor
Let me sum up the scenario. Im a 36 year old male (Tracy), engaged to a 30 year old female (Claire). We have been in a mono relationship for a year and half since we met. About 4 weeks ago, an old flame of hers visited town and she realized she was still in love with him. She asked to go poly and be with him as opportunities arise (we live in Texas and he lives in California). I agreed to give it a try and she has made plans to visit him in late November. We are both committed to being each others primary, getting married and having a family.
Now the fun begins.... Part of me loves the idea and can not dream of restricting her from experiencing such a wonderful love. I have little desire to be in another relationship, but I do love the idea of being free to experience new things. The flip side, is the part of me that is freaking the fuck out about all of this. I've had lots of ups and downs and am consistently struggling with my underlying fears and insecurities. I have seen some of these fears face to face and others are too afraid to come out. I'm trying to be loving and accepting of these parts of me and I believe that is the only way to address them. The hardest part is that these fears and insecurities in question, when left unchecked, tell some really bad stories that generate a lot of negative emotions that are negatively impacting my relationship with Claire.
I have tried to talk to Claire about it, but she appears to have some serious guilt issues and internalizes my feelings, blames herself and becomes uncommunicative after a few minutes. We are practicing with non-violent communications and imago dialog, but these are taking some time to practice with our tight schedules. We are also working with a counselor that is open to Polyamory. I have realized that these are my own issues and that Claire can do nothing but satiate my dysfunctions. This has made it easier to not talk about my shit until we can work out an effective communications process.
In the mean time, I still have these negative feelings that are just out of reach for me to come to terms with and I'm feeling pretty unloved in our relationship. I feel lost and alone on a regular basis. I want to be with Claire, I want her to have this other love and I want the growth potential I can see for myself by overcoming my insecurities. I just don't know how to get there. I could really use some exercises, practical techniques and guidance to coming to terms with this.
Last edited by corrigant; 08-14-2010 at 12:43 AM.