Originally Posted by SeventhCrow
He may be honest about what it is he needs in a relationship. The question then becomes one of compatibility. He's comfortable in relationships that are fluid and can be quite distant without any trouble. That's not compatible with somebody who has to have closer ties on a regular basis.
It's not a question of interest or depth of feeling or anything else. It's a question of whether the relationship styles of the persons involved are compatible. My second wife and I finally figured out that we're just not compatible in that fashion, despite how deep the attraction and strong the feelings--we just can't live together on an ongoing basis.
I have taken a step back the last couple days and really guided my decision-making with my feelings, rather than my thoughts. Someone said somewhere in this thread that using your gut feeling to determine what course to take is better than using ones head. I totally agree.
So while I was allowing my guts to lead me in the right direction, it suddenly occurred to me: He and I ARE incompatible. But only in our lifestyles. I have children, he is a free spirit. I like to know exactly what is going to happen next, he takes things as they come and never really worries. He prefers to have a very large and diverse social network, I prefer a few close friends I know very well.
Once it really hit home that we are never going to have a life together, I let go. But I didn't let go of him - instead I let go of my expectations. I don't HAVE to have anything in this relationship other than spending time with him. When he and I are together, there is such a glowing light of love between us....we just merge.
I never want to lose that. Despite everything else that he does with his life, or me mine, I never want to lose the chance to be with him and give him love and accept his. This whole thread has turned in a negative direction towards him because it seemed he has been advertising falsely and manipulating the situation.
I think I can safely say that I missed the whole point. He has always been telling me who he is and what he wants. He may not be able to say it in plain english, but by using my guts, I opened up to what he has been telling me with his actions, nonverbal cues, and the way he describes his philosophies....
I suddenly stopped caring. Not about him, but about what he is doing. I have no stake in what he does. He is not the father of my children, nor is he a major part of their lives. He and I do not own property together or anything like that. We don't even live together.
I have spent so much time WISHING that we could have been more, I failed to see what it is we already have. When we are together, the world melts and it's just us. As infrequent as our time together may be, I would never throw away the chance to bask in our love. I want that possibility open to me forever.
And that is what he has been saying. He views poly as being Open to All love. He has said he does not want to tell someone he cannot love them because he has given too much love away to these other people. He also has said he doesn't feel it's anyone's place to put limits on his love. And that is what would happen if he were to go mono or even the "traditional" poly way. Someone would be putting limits on his pursuing opportunities to love.
"Vetoing", etc. is putting limits. While I totally understand the need for that in a relationship where people are married, have families, have stakes in what they do, in our relationship it doesn't make sense. He and I will never have a "life" together. We are simply too different. But I will continue to love him as long as it lasts and he has said the same to me.
(And I know he doesn't mean just sleeping around, because if he did he would have slept with someone by now.
So I guess with all that said, I don't need anything from our relationship! The parts that didn't work out for me, oh well. But I am also not going to throw away the parts that DO work for me. It's just not worth it.