While I was still dealing with my love for E I was in a much better place. I was dealing and not reacting. My emotional destruction from December 15 2009 until March 12 2010 was over. My world was no longer caving in around me,. I had made some connections on the poly forums, and was keeping in touch with new friends. Such a great support group during the tough times. I could name names here, but you know who you are, you reached out in my toughest times...*tips hat.
My old friends had mostly abandoned me and while we still talked we have never gotten back to that closeness we had before. This led me to re-examine my feelings for friends. And proved once again my stance on calling people friends. I have always been a hardass with friendship and calling people friends. It implies a closeness to me that I don’t give out easily.
At this point I started to question my ability to be poly. Was I, could I be…no one’s poly made sense to me. Polyforums, poly was so focused on just the loving side, that I felt like my desire for lustful sex was outcast. My desire to date and play, without thinking of loving immediately was strong. For me poly is like being single, I sure didn’t love everyone I dated, and I don’t intend to start. I was in an open relationship and I was capable of loving more than one. The two overlapped and were connected but my desire to date and have fun was not a required pre-requisite for my poly. There was a distinct disconnect and a time when I was close to leaving the site because of it. Did I even want to. Further to that, after E my sexual confidence was destroyed. I had never been with a woman who couldn’t orgasm and that was more devastating to me than I thought. Had my sexual prowess, which I do identify with strongly, gone the way of the dodo. Was I getting too old to be THAT guy anymore. Part of my identity had been broken and I had to figure it out in me. And yes, the age question came in. Turning 35 hit me pretty hard at the time,
I also struggled with the idea of love. Could I love again, I was capable of friendship. Platonic love, but would I feel that urge, would anyone I meet feel that urge. Would I meet anyone where it was undeniable desire, lust and love. Was I “stuck” for the rest of my life.
These were my thoughts moving forward. Two things I identify with really well in the past felt lost to me. My identity, or part of it, was lost.
In early April I started to grow a bond started to grow with a friend online. I was helping her through a lot of challenges and in my helping her, she helped me more than she knows. Just talking and assisting was healing me. We kind of helped each other and in many ways have grown close. Unbeknownst to her, her situation helped form my view of poly and what I wanted out of it. She helped me in a lot of ways without even knowing it. This connection continues growing to this day. Thanks MG for being there