Hoo gracious. I'm not letting this thread devolve into a big HMA vs. The World Of Poly and HIS personal mistakes. All 4 of us in this situation have made mistakes, and the big problem here is that while I will vent and ask for help here, I tend to not always post when things are good. That's what this thread is supposed to be for. HMA posts when he doesn't know what to do, asks for input, and rather than coming back and continuing to respond to the advice and help and such, he tends to ignore the poly boards and work very hard on the situation at home. He doesn't take the time to say what he's been doing to work on things - he only tries to be concise with his points.
I made it abundantly clear that this is only my viewpoint. I can see where HMA is feeling attacked and steamrolled over. Based on what I presented, it's possible to see where one point of view is, but it's difficult to really get accurate information when all 4 of us aren't posting up our positions.
I do feel that in many ways, HMA has been a little selfish and hasn't really taken the time to consider what I'm going through. But, he feels differently and he has his reasons. The other two girls have their own thoughts and feelings as well. There's nothing wrong with that. My venting has enabled me to not only feel supported by the people who post publicly, the people who have taken the time to send me PMs, and the people who have gone to extraordinary effort to send me IMs and spend hours talking to me and helping me through the situation.
So please, everyone get your dander the fuck down and let's just move on. Several conclusions were reached about a good way to handle the situation - hell, the way we're planning to go about it is actually MY idea. Lana helped me get to a better place in my mindset, and this allowed me to come to HMA and together, he and I came to a great compromise and are planning to sit down with Adrian, present it to her in a way that she will understand to help her grasp the situation and allow her to give some feedback and input. HMA has said that after that conversation, we will again sit down as a couple as make sure we're alright with what we come up with. Lana may or may not take the role she previously did in our relationship as a friend to both of us and help us to understand one another. But the follow up will be mainly he and I as a couple to ensure that as the "primary" relationship (a term HMA HATES with more passion than I've seen him hate anything, lol) we are alright with it.
I was able to very clearly present to HMA what I need and want out of poly, and how I need to feel secure. He has acknowledged this, we talked about what HE needs too, we took into consideration how Lana and Adrian feel - and now, he and I are on the same page about it. We're both comfortable with the conclusion we reached.
I will post again in just a little bit once I get everything more organized in my head so that it comes out right. But things are moving toward a favorable outcome, finally. An outcome where EVERYONE feels heard and understood and considered. I will still thank everyone for your replies and the time you've all taken to give input on this situation. Again, it's been ABSOLUTELY invaluable to me in reaching my comfort level and helping me to accurately portray what I need and want and actually get it.
"No lover, if he be of good faith, and sincere, will deny he would prefer to see his mistress dead than unfaithful."
-Marquis De Sade
"Variety, multiplicity are the two most powerful vehicles of lust.."
-Marquis De Sade