Thanks to everyone for replies. I've been having a lot of emotional blow-outs lately, and I unfortunately had another one last night. I said several things I shouldn't have said, and when I tried to talk to HMA about it; well, I feel like he just shut down.
Everyone in my house just comes back to the "But butbut butbutbut YOU GAVE US YOUR BLESSING!!!!". I don't know how to get people to see past that. Yes, I did. I can give several reasons as to why I did, and why now I see that that was a bad idea. I got very angry at HMA, and did everything and said everything but "It's her, or me.". He saw it coming, and he told me if I can't just let all this go and trust that my needs will be met - that it will end our relationship.
Apparently, everyone in this house is emotionally drained because of me and my constant need for talks and my emotional blowouts. HMA definitely doesn't have the emotional energy for this right now - hell, he told me that some 8 conversations ago. But I don't know where to turn. Maybe if I'm going through a rough spot, I should try to post here instead. Poor Lana has now spent countless nights trying to keep me calm, and letting me vent. HMA has tried, but he's getting to the point that all I am to him is a constant stream of drama.
I called friends last night to see what they had to say. Every singe one told me that I don't deserve this, that I'm obviously miserable, and told me to leave. My dad offered to let me come stay there for a few days if only to clear my head, but people in this house know that some bad behaviors I have are reinforced and learned from my dad, so they're expressed discomfort in my going there. I made the decision to stay another day - it's all I can do at this point. Take it one day at a time.
I'm willing to try to get to know Adrian better and deeper. Hell, maybe she'll be anything from tolerable to a good friend to a lover if I do. I don't know. Lana told me last night that she is swinging back and forth between being really offended and angry with Adrian, to thinking she's an okay chick. Lana is going crazy - she said that HMA and I are not the same people she fell in love with. I can see "myself" so clearly - I've been able to for a while now, and I just can't figure out how to grasp onto her and bring her back.
HMA feels as though I haven't tried. I think I tried awfully hard. Two sides to every coin, and the truth in the middle. I guess neither of us can see the truth. I keep apologizing for things that I don't really feel are my fault to try to keep the peace. Maybe I should just leave for a while so everyone has a minute to breathe and get away from me and my issues. I'm scared that if I leave, I won't have a home to come back to. Everyone is so frustrated with me that I'm terrified they'll come to the conclusion they're better off without me.
I don't know how to try when seeing HMA and Adrian together breaks my heart. He slept with her last night (I told them it was alright), but after my breakdown I couldn't help but feel as though he was just going upstairs to comfort another woman, leaving me high and dry. I took sleeping pills and went to sleep. He tried to spent a few minutes with me before I went to bed, just to cuddle for a minute and reconnect. I told him I couldn't do this for much longer. He thinks I baited him into a conversation - all I wanted was for someone to hold me and tell me to breathe, and that it would be okay.
I can't get an ounce of positive reinforcement. I can't use the "veto power" to say, "Baby, your relationship with her is hurting me. I need you to at least slow it down so I can get my bearings." He told me he won't do that. He's not willing to have her leave. I don't know what to do. Again, so focused on the fact that I DID give my blessing, and not willing or able to focus on why I'm seeing, in retrospect, that it was a bad idea.
I didn't want to be monogamous with him because I didn't want to lose Lana. Maybe I should have thought about it longer, harder. I don't know anymore.
Maybe, if he's willing to spend some time reconnecting with me, like Mohegan said, that would be a good idea. I just don't know how the hell to bottle it all up and do that. It's worth a shot. I think decompressing would be a good idea.
I'm thinking about it, and I think that creating a thread on here to vent would be a good idea. I'm sure I'm not the only one out there with this situation, or a similar one. Mohegan seems to understand on a fundamental level - maybe as I work through my feelings, they'll be able to help someone else.
I don't want to lose HMA, but I feel myself slipping away. I'm so scared, so hurt, and so drained that I'm at my wit's end. The only thing I can do now is demonstrate a level of trust and understanding I'm ... well, not 100% comfortable with. But I've done it before, and if HMA still loves me (which he says he does), then I'll find the strength in here somewhere to do it. Again, I appreciate everyone's replies. They really do help.
"No lover, if he be of good faith, and sincere, will deny he would prefer to see his mistress dead than unfaithful."
-Marquis De Sade
"Variety, multiplicity are the two most powerful vehicles of lust.."
-Marquis De Sade