A continuation of this thread:
HMA's Side of the Story
I'll replace this text with a link to my situation and such once I'm done with this post and I can wade through and find it.
Since disclaimers are apparently necessary in my situation for now, I'm going to make a blanket disclaimer and state once again, for the record, that the only thing I can post here is MY thoughts and feelings and perceptions. I can try to accurately represent the thoughts and feelings and positions of others, but I'm not saying I'll get it right.
So, during my last post in the Trapped thread, apparently a lengthy and intense conversation was had by HMA and Adrian. A lot of accusations of lying and manipulation had been flying around - Adrian toward me, and Lana and I toward Adrian. I have dealt with lying problems in the past (a function of a dysfunctional family, unfortunately) that I've worked EXTREMELY hard to get over. And frankly, I'm a god damn stripper. Manipulation and lying is in my job description. I can see where people would worry. But, with all of my efforts to not bring that into my day-to-day life anymore, any accusation of such is met with some pretty serious hurt, offense, and raised hackles.
HMA has decided that Adrian isn't lying or manipulating the situation at all. He says he's willing to approach all of this a just a REALLYOMGFREAKINGSERIOUS misunderstanding, or - he'll have to acknowledge that if that doesn't work, then the only other alternative is that I'M the one lying and manipulating. Naturally, that isn't sitting well with me. He tried to reassure me that what he was going to talk to me about wasn't a test or anything, and that he was approaching it all as the misunderstanding he's hoping it is. I am, understandably in my opinion, freaked right the fuck out by that.
We started talking and were interrupted by Lana needed to be picked up from work. He said he needs to talk to her alone. I'm mistrustful of that for some reason. I haven't worked through why. He said he has no ulterior motive. I ... guess I'm not sure I completely believe him.
Apparently, Adrian did an awful lot of introspection today. This culminated in her seeing why maybe Lana and I have so much trouble understanding and dealing with her. As I understand it, she has an "internal voice" that's very critical of her. She's self-deprecating, I guess you would call it. And sometimes that gets away from her, and she deals with the people around her the same way she deals with herself - very harshly, and very critically. She's come to the conclusion that while she does have a lot of issues with how I've handled the entire situation and situations within the situation, that the person she has the biggest problem with is herself.
HMA says she wants to sit down and have this group discussion because she wants to apologize for how she's handled things up until now, have a chance to explain herself, and beg ("on bended knee if necessary") for a second chance with all of us, but especially me. She also wants to especially apologize to Lana for her behavior during one specific emotional outburst that frankly, I don't remember if I ever really talked about or not. I guess it's probably not important.
I'm going on about 1/4 of a conversation here, but I think I should make sure my thoughts are completely clear. HMA has assured me that when he gets back, we'll talk more - sleep be damned. He tried to reassure me that he loves me. That he really is looking at all of this as a misunderstanding. I'm skeptical. And scared. Really, really, REALLY fucking scared.
I think I'm the most scared because if HMA does come to the conclusion that I'M the liar and manipulator, then all of my efforts have been meaningless. All of my efforts to keep that at my job and eradicate it from day-to-day life have been completely unsuccessful and that I just don't think I can handle that. I think I might have to very seriously consider leaving. Poly can't work if all parties aren't trusted. I didn't lie or manipulate anything. Believe me, I got through a lot of life that way - lying to people and manipulating situations to work out in my favor - that if I was doing so, not only would I know it but because of the love and respect I have for HMA I would ADMIT it. I'd cry about it. I'd apologize. I'd ask for help - help from him and friends. Therapy if necessary. I'd get to the point where I stopped doing it. 100%. I'd quit my job and find another line of work if I had to. I won't handle leaving well. Not at all.
But I guess that's all beside the point. Adrian coming to the conclusion that she needs to apologize and ask for a second chance and a fresh start sort of is right now. I think I need to work through if I can accept that and be willing to listen and consider it. If the situation is past the point of no return and I'm completely unwilling to let that happen. Hell, I'm still skeptical that even THIS isn't a manipulation on her part. HMA is convinced it's not. I don't know her well enough to make an accurate judgment like that.
So what does one do? I acknowledge an irrational hatred toward her that clouds my entire brain when I'm in the same room as her. It's stupid, frankly. But I can't seem to help it. It's just ... there. Looming and threatening me when I hear footsteps coming down the hall. I'm tense all the time. It's ridiculous. I realize I make it sound over-dramatic, but I can't even begin to describe it. It's so fucking weird. And so unlike me.
Maybe it's really just hatred toward the situation and a convenient target. Maybe it's all valid and I honestly hate her to the point of seeing red. Maybe it's insecurity and fear on my part manifesting itself as anger and hatred. Maybe none of it's valid and it's all a seriously fucked up and subconscious manipulation on my part. I don't know, I guess. I can hope that the rest of HMA and I'd conversation will help me to decipher how I feel, and maybe set some of that irrational hatred to rest. Maybe I need to "go back to my roots" and really make sure I KNOW what I want out of a poly relationship. Make sure that HMA and I are solid and in agreement about what WE want out of poly.
Honestly, I've been willing to give her and the entire situation a second chance this entire time. I've merely been asking that she get out of my face so I can sort shit out without her constantly being around. Without having to hear HMA fuck her. Without having to deal with her little OCD behaviors with the dishes that frankly aren't that big a deal but right now are making me want to murder puppies. Without having to work with her. (Yep - just in case that wasn't clear, all three of us girls not only live together - we fucking work together in the same club. *dies* No escape.)
She told HMA that during a conversation she and I had privately, I'd asked her what SHE wanted out of the situation long-term. See, I'm a very "long term, big picture" kind of person. Without knowing some hazy outline of what the future may hold, I can't live in the day-to-day. I'm methodical like that, I guess. Always planning not only one, but 100 steps ahead. She said that when she told me, she saw a look cross my face unlike any other she'd seen. A look of the sheerest anger anyone could contort their face into. I remember very consciously holding back any knee-jerk reaction and asking to come back to it. I had no emotion toward it - I didn't LET myself react to it at all. I remember she told me three things - and I only remember two. She said she'd hope to get married to HMA, and to maybe someday have kids.
Without really sitting and thinking - and I mean REALLY sitting and thinking, I can't accurately say how I feel about that. Some ducks need to get in a row before I can even start to address that one. HMA and I obviously aren't a strong foundation for a poly relationship right now. But, then again, if he and I aren't on the same page about being a "primary" couple - well, we aren't much of a foundation. He's just one guy dating three chicks, one of whom happens to have a ring on her finger.
We've tried hashing out the "primary couple" thing a couple times now - it always seems to devolve into an argument. I definitely think that needs to be settled so I know how to progress. I thought Adrian was coming into this as a unicorn looking to date a couple. Last I heard, that wasn't the case and she's only interested in HMA and maybe open to the idea of a relationship with me. But they'd still be two separate relationships. ...Yeah, that one's definitely got to get worked through.
As far as her coming to this conclusion that she's a large part of the problem, and she wants to get a second chance - I think I'm willing to give that to her. My knee-jerk reaction to it, however, is that HMA have a LOT o' Shit to hash out between the two of us, and that she should still probably look into getting her own place for a while so we can do so without any left over negativity from the situation. So that no one feels forced to get along because we all live together. Nothing to color the situation.
I haven't examined it on a deeper level yet. But I will - and I'll have more conversation with HMA, and I'll post again. I may have done a 180. I may have taken a few steps back. With any luck - it will be a few steps forward.