(Part the third because the forum REALLY fucking hates long posts.)
I think HMA is so done with all this - hell, he's STATED he is - that the only thing he's *WILLING* to see at this point is his own point of view. He's so sure that if everyone would just trust him and act on HIS perceptions that everything will be okay. He claims to be a neutral party, who can ignore his own needs and since he cares about all 3 of us girls; he can come to an accurate conclusion for everyone to go on. (Or, several for us to argue over the validity of.) I'm just not so sure about that. I trust HMA, sure - but I don't feel like my viewpoint is being taken into consideration at all. And truthfully, in his current emotional state - I don't think he's equipped to MAKE a decision and a conclusion like that. He can't be more emotionally stable until the situation is more stable, but the situation can't be more stable until we're ALL stable, I can't personally be stable without a whole lot of talking things out, he can't keep talking about it because it makes him stressed, which makes him emotionally unstable. And the vicious cycle just keeps going and going and going and going ...
I'm more than willing to consider viewpoints other than my own. I'd like to sit with HMA, or HMA and Lana and get some solutions and compromises worked out to bring to her. I'm willing to hear her own solutions and compromises. I may have to write them down and take them elsewhere so I'm not clouded by my negativity towards her; but I'm willing to try! The changes to my life are so painful and so stressful right now that I'm willing to try just about anything. As long as it's a compromise and all options are looked into.
I look at my life, and the people I love right now, and it puts me into one of the darkest places I've ever found myself. The man I love, want to marry and am engaged to, and plan to spend the rest of my life with is the worst emotional wreck I've ever seen him. He just wants to see his girls happy, and he just wants us all to get along. In my opinion, the sooner he acknowledges that that's just not going to happen right now - the better off he'll be, and the more willing to seek alternatives. I'm in the worst place I've ever been. Lana, who had once felt so safe with us, has voiced a possible desire to get a place of HER own because she's sick of feeling tense and out of place in her own home.
Adrian spends all her time tense, scared, and lonely when she's not with HMA. She's struggling with HMA and Lana's relationship. She's made amazing sacrifices to try to make this all work, some met well, others ill-received, and others ignored. We've all tried, and arguably, she's actually tried the hardest. I haven't had the mental capacity to try my best - but now with the situation and how I feel toward her, I'm STILL not able to try my absolute best and dedicate the time and attention to this is deserves. None of us are. She's in a horrible situation, and I acknowledge that. I don't know why she insists on staying in it when there are possibilities out that don't involve forcing a friendship that's one sided and full of resentment. She wants to be with HMA, and doesn't want to move out of the home he and I share with her right now. I get it. Sometimes what's best isn't always what we want. And yes, that goes for me too.
So right now, as he's upstairs putting her to bed and probably fucking her - I'm staying out in the driveway so I don't have to deal with the situation. I feel like I can't go in my own house. All of us dread coming home. All of us dread spending alone time, especially HMA and I because all that happens is drama and horrible, long, stressful conversations. But without working through it, nothing will get better. Ignoring it won't make it better. We can't step back from the damn situation BECAUSE WE ALL FUCKING LIVE TOGETHER. I've considered leaving, but my fears of not having a home to come back to still nag at the back of my head. I also realize I don't trust leaving HMA alone with Lana and Adrian right now. It's convoluted and a nasty cobweb of emotion and insecurity and god knows what else to try to explain why I don't trust him being alone with them. Either one of them.
I'm sitting in my driveway, typing this on my laptop, waiting for him to come back downstairs so he and I can finish talking. Try to get somewhere. Stop feeling stuck. Help me not feel trapped. Help him not feel caught in the middle. Help everyone feel less tense. But we always just seem to argue because we're both stubborn. We both think we know what's best. I'm willing to budge, but I don't know how much. We never seem to get that far in the conversation because we get so caught up in who should talk about who budges and what they budge on in the group vs. alone vs. paired off vs. 3 of us and it's just ... so fucked up.
I think I have the most to lose in this situation. An engagement, the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with. He feels she does. She has "nowhere to go". I am once again left feeling unimportant. He says since he spends so much time hashing all this out with me, he has no idea how I feel unimportant. Hashing shit out isn't making someone important - it's stressful and godawful and just sucky all the way around. It's not spending quality time, it's working on the situation as a whole. But, no one else sees it that way. So all my time with HMA is spent trying to get this figured out - and whatever he does with the other girls is his business. Supposedly. Nevermind that I can hear everything that goes on with Adrian because my room shares a wall with hers. Doesn't make things any easier.
They're talking right now. He feels I had him all day. I haven't spent more than a few hours of real, honest to god, quality time with him in the last couple weeks. So, I'm going to wait. And we'll talk more. And probably argue more. And I'll post here again - and hopefully, sooner or later before one of us goes suicidal or homicidal - we'll get this worked through and we can all remember what being happy feels like.
"No lover, if he be of good faith, and sincere, will deny he would prefer to see his mistress dead than unfaithful."
-Marquis De Sade
"Variety, multiplicity are the two most powerful vehicles of lust.."
-Marquis De Sade