(Part deux because the forum hates long posts.)
*Ohm*. I'm completely willing to acknowledge that a lot of my hatred is probably ill-placed. She didn't do anything THAT HORRIBLY HEINOUS that should elicit such a response from me. I think I hate the situation more than I hate her, but it's just sort of bleeding out all over the place and making me kind of hate everyone. But it's at the point now that no matter how calm I feel, the moment I step into a room with her - I want to beat her face in. It's bad. I can be understanding and willing to look after her needs when I'm not faced with her. The minute I'm in her general vicinity, all my caring goes the fuck out the window and I don't even really think of her as a person with wants, needs, and feelings of her own. When I look at her, all I can see are the parts of her personality that conflict with my own, the problems in HMA and I's relationship, Lana's stress and hurt, my own insecurities, HMA's stress ... the list goes on. All she represents to me now is a big ball of stress and drama.
HMA and I were supposed to be working on "us". It's become obvious to me that without the Adrian situation getting addressed, it's impossible for me to just work on the he and I problems. The reason for this, I feel, is that she IS one of our problems. The relationship she has with HMA is bothering me so deeply that it's clouding everything else. And I'm just not able to let that go. I guess it's a personality flaw of mine. Or something. I dunno. For whatever reason, it still stands, I can't let it go.
We're trying to address the situation. Figure out how to make it work, make it better, make it go away, whatever. And HMA and I have VERY different ideas of what will work.
He still thinks that if we all just trust him and accept each other's offers of friendship, it will all be okay. With the emotional response she elicits from me - it's pretty obvious that I'm not able to just accept her at face value and put all this behind me. I just can't do it.
I think that moving her out, but not ending her relationship with HMA is the best option. If I'm able to acknowledge and look out for her feelings when she's not around and in my face - it's obvious to me that it would be best for all involved to get her the fuck out of here. For EVERYONE'S sake. HMA thinks that Lana and I just want her to leave so that we can gradually phase her out. It's really exactly the opposite. I want her to leave so that we can all calm the fuck down, pursue our own relationships at their own pace, and gradually get past the hatred and bullshit and try to get to know each other like we should have in the first place BEFORE addressing the possibility of moving her in again; if that possibility even is a reality when all is said and done. Lana seems to be with me on this, but again, I won't speak for her. HMA doesn't see this as an option because of our financial position right now. The stress has kept everyone from working, so money is a little on the tight side. He also views it as horribly unfair to her to move her AGAIN in such a short period of time.
We're trying to come to a compromise here. I feel that forcing her on me is hugely unfair to me, but I can understand where forcing her out when she doesn't seem to WANT to go is unfair to her, too. I just can't get my head around why she would want to stay in this situation. She keeps saying she's so afraid I hate her and want her gone - well, she's right. I hate her and I want her gone BUT the only reason I want her gone is so I can stop irrationally hating her, get to know her, let her pursue her relationship with HMA in peace, and let me get my head on straight. If I were in her position, I'd personally be raising my hand and begging for someone to get me the fuck out. I've even offered to work an extra day a week to help pay her bills and have a gradual plan to move her out so it's not an immediate pressing thing.
He doesn't want to talk about all this with me because it's unfair to leave her out of the situation and keep her in the dark about her future. I understand this! It's fucked up! BUT - I state again, knowing the emotional response she elicits from me, if all 4 of us sat down to try to hash shit out, I'd get riled up almost immediately, say some very blunt and hurtful things (all of which are true) with NO qualifiers; and the whole thing would break down because people will get hurt and defensive and others will get angry and I just think it's a damn recipe for disaster. HMA thinks that that's okay, and we just need to all sit around the table until something gets worked out.
"No lover, if he be of good faith, and sincere, will deny he would prefer to see his mistress dead than unfaithful."
-Marquis De Sade
"Variety, multiplicity are the two most powerful vehicles of lust.."
-Marquis De Sade