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Old 08-03-2010, 05:36 AM
violet violet is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Nevada
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Well, since this thread is about me - I guess I should probably chime in.

The NRE between HMA and Adrian was absolutely NOT just between the two of them. Whether or not I was lukewarm the entire time, that NRE spilled out and over into HMA and I's relationship. I've been really struggling. I saw him happy. I haven't been able to single-handedly make him happy. Therefore, I got caught up in it all, seeing everyone be able to be okay for a minute. I gave her the "ok". I didn't take the time to really focus on what my issues were, which I acknowledge was my fault.

My personal issues, and my relationship issues, in my opinion were finally starting to get worked out when Lana and Adrian came along. All the NRE and conversations and drama of adding another person to the house forced that to take a backseat. It got worse. Very quickly.

Adrian has serious social anxiety, and she was unable to open herself up completely to Lana and I. That didn't start happening until after she moved in. That's a fact. She feels she tried, HMA kept trying to help us see that she was trying to open up - but frankly, Lana and I just didn't get to know her very well.

Now that she HAS opened up to me and to Lana, and HMA says they're "past the point of no return", well - jkelly is kinda right. I am really getting to know Adrian, and I really don't like her. The hardest thing for me to deal with is that she really, REALLY reminds me of HMA's ex, Symphonie. I openly stated when I met Symph that she was NOT someone I would ever seek to be friends with in the real world. Adrian is the same way. I don't understand her sense of humor, I don't understand her communication, she makes little comments and jabs that while harmless to her - really hurt me. And Lana.

Everyone in this house prodded and prodded at me to start talking. They could see my discomfort about the situation - I was trying to deal with it. When I finally started talking, MONTHS of shit spilled out. I dislike Adrian, but am trying to learn to deal with it. I mean, I like her as an acquaintance, but she's not really someone I can be close with.

My biggest struggle right now is that I don't understand how a nearly 2 year relationship can take a backseat to something that's only been around for 4 weeks. ONE MONTH. I am literally sick over this - I'm so stressed I'm sleeping all the time (and it's not quality sleep), I'm throwing up everything I eat (I've already lost several pounds), and I'm subsisting on basically cigarettes and water.

HMA thinks that I'm irrationally disliking her because of my issues of feeling threatened. I'm realizing that I dislike her, period. They were having sex tonight when I was going through a difficult time - and it made me throw up. I hate seeing her with him.

I thought HMA was the man I was going to marry. I still hope to marry him. I'm going to try to see this situation through for at least a couple weeks and try to find a comfort level, at which point we're all supposed to sit down and re-evaluate where we all are. They all (Lana, HMA, and Adrian) feel as though my mind is already made up. That I want her to leave. I'm starting to seriously see that THEY have THEIR minds made up - that she isn't going anywhere. No matter what I have to say.

Where I'm at is this:

I'm committed to really trying to get through this. I love HMA. I want him happy.

However - I'm getting to the point where I understand that three is too many. Lana and I really understand each other, and communicate very well with HMA. Adrian communicates very differently - she's "logical" to a point of being illogical.

I've been here for almost two years. I have a ring on my finger. Lana's been getting to know us for a year now. She's my best friend, and now, HMA's lover. Adrian has been here a month.

Lana and I have both expressed a dislike of the situation, and a dislike of Adrian. Lana likes her a little more than I do, but she'd rather not deal with her, especially because of what it's doing to me.

For some reason, HMA is so concerned with hurting someone that he's hurting me. HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH ADRIAN IS PAINFUL FOR ME. It's not that he picked her and I'm not okay with that, it's not that only *I* get to pick the women he's with. He picked one, the NRE spilled over, and now that we've gotten to know her - we don't like her. And apparently, he's so far past the point of no return that he's willing to not only put a 2 year relationship and engagement in jeopardy, he's also willing to lose Lana (who has openly stated that without me, she's not in this).

I was struggling with some issues, mostly personal insecurity. Adrian made these issues worse, to a point that I cannot deal with them anymore. I warned HMA that I was going to be VERY time intensive and that it was going to take a lot of work to get through this. He says he tried. I say things were just starting to get better, despite some completely unnecessary resistance from me. It's hard to admit you have a lot of problems, and ask for help working through them. Especially when you're just out of your teenage years and still have a little bit of "NO! I CAN DO IT!" leftover.

Adrian threatens me because what I feel I need is for HMA to demonstrate some understanding, and really LISTEN to the fact that I tried to like her. She tried to reach out, she tried to let me get to know her. She cries over the fact that I don't like her, and I can't help it. Sometimes, a situation is just too much. She threatens me because HMA is SO CONCERNED with not hurting her, that he's willing to hurt me. It's not her fault she is who she is, but in my personal opinion, keeping her in a situation where only one person really likes her is hurting her far more than telling her, "I'm sorry - we thought this was going to be something different. We don't all mesh. You should find a situation where you can get all the understanding, love, and attention you need."

I am very afraid that I will spend the rest of my life miserable and tenuous because of the relationship HMA and Adrian have. I don't like her, I can't deal with her. But I won't leave HMA or Lana. I love him too much. I love her too much.

Adrian is going to get hurt. Badly. I'm trying to keep an eye out for her, but it's really hard. The only reason she and I will get close is a "keep your enemies closer" situation. I am willing to try to set that aside to get to know her better, but I think I will always resent her. I'm scared I'll resent HMA for putting me through this. He said he'll resent me if I make him leave her. He also said if I leave, then his other relationships will fall apart because if he can't keep me happy, then he can't make anyone happy.

This is way too much, way too fast. I can't do this. He won't put the brakes on with her and focus on me because she has needs. I get it - but then I'm not getting what I need either and well, pardon the fuck out of me if I feel like the woman HMA plans to MARRY should come first.

I feel like he's putting 4 weeks of NRE before me. An established engagement and life together. A house together. I shouldn't have let the NRE get to me, or let my issues and insecuities go unaddressed. People make mistakes. I'm sorry for them - but at a time when I need more love, reassurance, and understanding - I'm sharing that with someone who is very needy, who HMA is still caught up in NRE with, and who he really seems to care for more than me.

I love poly. I loved the relationship Lana and HMA and I all had. She misses it. I miss it. Adrian came in during a very unstable time - and we can't deal with it. He loves her too much to let any of us go. But the feeling I have is that by forcing Adrian on us - he's pushing two of us away. I'm scared. I'm hurt. And I have no where to turn.

I either deal with it, or I leave.

Help?


I'm exhausted from crying. I can't keep taking sleeping pills to calm myself into sleep. I can't eat. I can't keep being miserable and sick. I don't want to leave, even for a few days, but I'm starting to feel out of options.

And might I just add - I know that's all just how I feel. I'm leaving stuff out. I know that. It's just how I feel. Please no one (not even you, HMA) attack me for letting my feelings out and asking, once again, for help.
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