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Old 08-12-2010, 03:27 AM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 117

Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
I can see how it would hurt him. It would have seemed to him that as much as he wanted to help you, he couldn't, you wanted/needed someone else to do it. He could have felt unimportant, rejected or not good enough.
<sigh> I can totally see how it could feel that way. FTR, he did help me, in so many ways!!!! I'm as strong as I am now largely because of how he's supported me. For 18 years, but most recently through the darkest days I hope to ever see. I didn't need anyone else to do it, I had to do it, and my boyfriend, as awful as this sounds, was a conduit. Obviously, he means so much more to me than that, but I know that on some (mostly subconscious) level, I was testing out the idea that someone else actually could find me attractive, that I could be a healthy sexual being, etc. And that felt so good.

I completely understand how that is NOT the case though.
The way I see it, you needed to do it for yourself. However, your husband is someone you already trust completely, and therefore, to know you were healed, it made more sense to figure out if you were able to trust someone else with your sexuality.

Because of who he is, because he has been there the whole time, trusting him might just mean you trust HIM, and nobody else.
Being able to be intimate with a new person, however, would be more depending on YOU than on HIM. It would show that YOU were now able to do it. Not just with DW, but in general.

In that prospect it made sense that you needed to get out of the "safe zone" and put yourself on the line outside to see if you could handle it. Since he was/is your safe zone, that meant getting away from him. Which would be hard for him, I'm sure.
Well, not so much "getting away from him", but yes, testing my own ability to be in a healthy romantic relationship outside of him. That he's not just an outlier, an exception. This is *so* important for me.

Did I understand where you were coming from, or am I completely missing it?
You were on target in an uncanny way!!! Thank you!!!!
Married for 14 years to an amazing man, "David Webb" on the forum
Discovered that I was poly in January 10,
forging my path together with the best partner I could ever ask for!
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