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Old 08-12-2010, 01:34 AM
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RickPlus RickPlus is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Vancouver BC
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Hi Everyone, myelsewhere.
Lately I seem to be running into a lot of variations of this situation: Someone makes a mistake and the other person claims betrayal / cheating. As far as I'm concerned, you have to do something vile to betray someone. As in breaking a promise, ignoring a vow, exceeding a hard limit, etc.

Clearly, you had reasons to think that it was understood that you could sexually play with other people. Permission had been explicitly given before, you had sent him on his trip with condoms, etc.

If he said that he FELT like you cheated on him, then that is fine. It is too bad and you can say that will go slower in the future. You can promise that you will try to communicate more clearly, or be careful to get permission in the future, etc. But he is saying that you HAVE cheated on him. This, to me, shows a lack of perspective. It should be pretty clear that you had reasons for the misunderstanding, and when he frames the discussion in terms of you betraying him rather than a misunderstanding, then the relationship is put into a worse place than it should be.

As AutumnalTone said, I also am a bit worried that you guys are finding it easier to talk about important things via messages rather than face to face.

Finally, in loving relationships, people will mess up from time to time. For the relationship to grow you have to forgive mistakes (not major betrayals). I like the number 42 - forgive your significant other 42 times, even if they don't deserve it. If they keep screwing up again and again and not learning from their mistakes, well then maybe you have to think seriously about things. But for minor bumps in the road - don't make a big deal out of them. Cut the other person some slack and move on.

In the three ways above, I am seeing warning signs that things between you are pretty shaky.

I'm a solve things in a direct way kinda guy. (Usually this has worked well for me, sometimes not. So take my advice with a grain of salt.) I would, in person, talk about the 3 points above. I think that having the label of "someone who cheats" placed on you unfairly is a really big deal and it is totally understandable that you want to clear it up once and for all. I also think that if he admits it was a mistake rather than a betrayal, your relationship will be in a far better place than it is now.

I wish you the best of luck. Warm regards, Rick.
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