It didn't defy logic. It was just a question and, again, not meant as an offensive one. Yet your reply comes off as seeming offended. (It could just be so much is lost in text.) I'm simply and honestly trying to understand ALL sides of polyamory, from the perspective of couples, triads, singles, etc. Since I AM married and AM hoping to meet a woman some day when the stars are properly aligned, I'd just like to have an idea of what goes on for singles so I don't put anyone off or offend or assume too much. Despite being married I do seek at least a healthy balance and equality in loving relationships. So thank you for your answers.
I take what you wrote to mean that your issues with joining a couple aren't with the couple per say but with the idea of coming in as a monogamous partner to both parties. You don't necessarily want a closed triad that expects much from you but leaves you without the same freedoms and securities (legally, decision wise, etc) that the other members have? To address that, I personally have no issue with a relationship with a woman who wishes to or already has a married partner as I do. A closed triad may be my IDEAL, but I'm not so closed off to other possibilities that it's unicorns or nothing. I know for my own sanity, however, I can't go beyond an N or a quad relationship. I need some form of polyfidelity just for myself.
As far as being married, I would not have married N if I didn't love him deeply. As I've said, to us, we were already "married" long before crossing the T's and dotting the I's. The legal contract just, as you've said, gave each of us more legal priveledges which became important as time moved on and our son grew up. I don't think it's fair only two members of a closed relationship should have those rights while the other(s) are left without either. At the moment though, there is nothing to be done to remedy that issue.