Originally Posted by myelsewhere
Also, to add another complicating factor to the mess, he told me he still feels like he wants us to have sex together with another female (not R) or couple because that is all he wanted all along. I'm confused about how I feel on this, because I'm happy with R and I don't know how she would react to that possibility. Also, I'm afraid that it is an unrealistic band-aid for his feelings on poly, and will only make things worse when he doesn't feel the way he thinks he will after it's said and done.
I didn't skip the rest (well put together by the way) but I think this is the crux of your initial challenges. He opened the relationship up in an attempt to have a threesome. This is common. You took it at face value and he likely wasn't even honest with himself. Or maybe he didn't even know.
This is a relatively common way to start and it may take baby steps for him to come along
...My wife and I started this way and we were successful at it for 8 years. Only recently opening up more. Have him explore poly in more detail and understand it. And you will have to work with him
Now you mention R may not be comfortable with it. Does that mean you are committing your side of openness to her?
Now I am going to take a position that likely won't get me fans. Why not let him have his bandaid? Baby steps for him. If he did only want threesomes and it jumped to full on open relationship, that is a monstrous leap. A baby step for him might be good...something to consider...which comes to the next point
being open, poly, swinging are all variations of a theme (non-monogamy)...he may not even be on the same page that you are. He may need to come to an understanding with himself of what he is, and what you are. Its ok if you don't matchup on the same page, but its good to understand where you stand for future conversations about non-monogamy.
If you've made it reading this far, you are a saint. I'm leaving out some less relevant details that I can add in replies, but to do so now would make a two-page initial post. I think I needed to write that mostly to vent, but also because I really need an outsider's perspective on it. It's hard being new to this and being in a crappy, non-supportive geographical location, and not having anyone to really talk to about it besides the people with whom I'm in relationships.
Venting is always good, helps document your thoughts logically and hopefully easy to go back through. As you move forward you can go back and see where you started.
Sounds like you guys started right, communicated "well" and then had a misstep due to different communication styles. Learn how each of you communicate and you can get ahead of some of these little problems.