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Old 08-03-2009, 02:44 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900

Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
Would I divorce? No. The legal issues aside (and I know they are many) marriage to me means more than what the government tells me it means. But for practical reasons, like my healthcare and the fact N and I have a child together, no, I would not divorce.

I hadn't given the matter of being married and forming a V or a triad much thought because, again, I married legally for practical reasons while I have relationships for emotional reasons. Hmmm
That then leaves the question- would the third be able to benefit from the same practicalities that you benefit from by your privilege (and yes, in this society the ability to marry is a privilege, since that right is denied to many) of being married? Suppose your third was female and got pregnant? Suppose the third was unable to work and lost healthcare coverage. When a third agrees to be polyfi with a couple, that person essentially agrees to give up the right to be married in a relationship and therefore will never receive any of the practical benefits of a marriage. For some, that may not be a problem at all. Until marriage is not the gate one must pass through for those legal and financial privileges, it's not something I want to deny myself.

Also I consider marriage a type of relationship, not something that's separate from a relationship, as I would probably not get married to a person I didn't trust or know if we share similar life goals.

Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
I do have a question for poly singles that has been buzzing around though. Is it the MARRIED couple you do not feel the desire to become involved with or a couple in general? I've heard the reasons that a single becoming involved in a couple has much to lose and has been left out of many of the decisions that coupe has made prior to forming a new relationship. I understand that hesitation. However, if you as a single, form a relationship on your own, aren't YOU two then the very original relationship you're leery to get into? Because, if you're forming a poly relationship, you presumably find a partner-and usually start with one-and then each of you may find other partners. So, if you don't want to join relationships and don't want to become a "primary" relationship then how do you find poly relationships at all?

I mean no disrespect and I do hope you understand what I'm asking as I'm having a hard time wording it. I just wonder how a single poly can form relationships while maintaining a single status and not becoming the very primary relationship type they're trying not to become entangled in.
Ok, I actually see a couple of questions in here and I'll do my best to answer them for myself, as I can't say that I speak on behalf of all poly singles. The first one seems to ask if marriage is more of an issue than if the it's just a couple. Well, I've stated before why getting involved with a couple in a closed triad isn't for me, and there are several factors involved such as decisions already made that never included me, having to fall "equally" in love with two different people, etc. Many of those factors don't include the couple being married. Marriage simply adds another factor of legal security that they would have that I would not have access to. So it's not a heck of a lot of difference to me if they're married or not.

The second question seems to be asking that if poly singles don't want to get involved with people already in primary relationships then end up having some relationship with another single, doesn't that form a primary relationship- just the thing that puts off single people in other relationships?

I think that question carries with it some assumptions:

1. Poly single people don't want to have primary relationships.
2. Poly single people don't want to be secondary to someone else's primary relationship.
3. People in poly relationships must be involved with everybody attached to the relationship.

I'm really not sure where you get that I'm leery of getting into a primary relationship or that single people are put off by being involved with others in primary relationships.

I am not averse to either getting involved with people already in primary relationships or having a primary relationship of my own. On the contrary, I very much want my own primary relationship. However, I am averse to getting involved with a couple in a closed triad way. That is, in a way that expects me to be monogamous with only them and not to be able to see other people outside their triad. Maybe the perception of leeriness comes from the fact that I frequently get annoyed with the sense of entitlement that couples can often approach single people with. As if we were made to fill their needs as a couple and be an accessory to their primary relationship.

I'm currently dating a couple as secondary to both of them and enjoy it immensely. But that's because they do not carry the expectation that I'm monogamous with only them and because we see each other individually as well as all together. But I'll never be moving in with them to become their "third". That doesn't mean that we share a deep connection and affection with each other. They are happy to be with me in the way that I'm available to them without having to fit into some mold of what they think I should be. I also dated a guy in an open marriage and it was a wonderful relationship (put on hold because I had to move away). I was clearly secondary in that situation too, but it was right for the type of relationship we had with each other.

I have no problem being a secondary in relationships if that's what the relationship naturally develops into. However, if being a secondary becomes the only relationship type that's available to me in this life, that would be highly unsatisfying. I would like to build a life, home and family with a partner. I would also like to be open to other loves while I'm doing that, and I would hope the same for my partner. It's that simple. I don't really see how that defies logic.
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