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Old 08-10-2010, 10:17 PM
Propast Propast is offline
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Amsterdam
Posts: 20

Hi Honestheart,
Not sure quite what's happening in your situation, so I'll "ass-u-me" a bit and tell you what I've seen from my experience.

Originally Posted by Honestheart View Post
I've heard it said that in poly you can try to "move at the speed of the one who is struggling the most" as a way to help all relationships involved grow healthy and steady.
but tell me this, when moving slow becomes standing still and holding...
and if you find yourself at such a point, what do you do? keep holding or take a step forward and deal with the emotional aftermath?
I'm in a situation where we've been putting off a difficult conversation about difficult changes. We had to take a break from it, and now other major life stresses means there's no room for *extra* stress in our lives, so the conversation is pretty much stopped. This leads to a bad place: We all know the conversation is coming, but she's sort of hoping the problem will just go away on its own. This would be pretty easy to bury again in the current situation, but that is unlikely to end any better in the long run.


"Move at the speed of the one who is struggling the most" should not mean "standing still and holding..." Taking a breather, not rushing into things, letting people process and calm down and think: good. Never making difficult decisions, delaying important conversations to a never-defined horizon: bad. In life, not just relationships, I find this delaying tends to mean everyone suffers until the situation breaks in a hard way.

So remember to keep taking those steps forward.

(Side note about taking "steps forward": perhaps that doesn't mean closer to what you think your goal is. Perhaps "steps forward" can better mean that everyone shows a commitment to growing, learning, becoming better)
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