Thanks everyone for all your support, questions and concerns... writing on here is really helping me figure stuff out, I appreciate that.
So we had a rough night. We had to lock ourself in various rooms from our boy as he was following us around telling us to stop talking. He gets so upset and it makes us upset that he is upset which adds nothing to the conversation at hand... we eventually had a good chunk of time when we settled him in his room with his DS and new video game.
In a nut shell, Nerdist wanted his wife back. He said that he didn't want to do poly any more and feels he has lost me forever. He wanted to be with me all the time and me only and wanted me to want the same... he thought that if I didn't then I don't really love him... that was it in a nutshell from what I could gather.
We went through a long process of figuring out and negotiating what that would look like and what I could and could not do and what was really at the root of all of it for him and I. We talked about everything from my email yesterday and what feels like a good fit for him in regards to Mono to my showing him our calender and how it is really filled with family, play dates for our boy, dates with him and Mono and events that we go to together. Apart from poly events that he isn't interested in anymore, there was really nothing to remove.
Way back when, I asked, after it was evident that roly was no longer, if he wanted me to be present for the next while and hold space and witness his mourning for roly: including holding him, listening to him, consoling him, but he said no and said I should carry on as usual. I did for a time until I could see that I needed to make my own decision about that and make myself available. I cleared my slate as much as I could by putting poor Derby on hold until further notice, and not go to events and hang with friends. This act fell on deaf ears it seems as he thought I wasn't available at all and got angry and jealous that I had other partners and a life going on that didn't include him. He thought I didn't love him any more as a reault.
I told him that while I felt like he had put our relationship on hold for some time while NREing over roly I had not gone anywhere or changed anything from before that and was waiting for that NRE to end and settle so that we could work on a balance. Because a relationship with her was taken from him by her suddenly moving and not telling him, there was a elasticated twang back to me in the form of wanting to be mono it seemed. We are finding the balance again.
I was also angry and resentful that talks of Mono moving in with us had stopped and had been put on hold yet again because of his NRE and subsequent lack of interest. It's hard to feel connected and bonded with someone you resent and are angry with. It's even harder to want to support them when you are pissed off and feel neglected.
So, where are we now? Well, it seems that what it boiled down to was that he needs me to be connected with me as I do with him. How do we achieve that? Well, in the past we have had dinners together and fed our boy early, have set aside a half hour a day to talk and be present, have had date nights that have some thought to them and that we have had even if we don't have a need to connect because we are feeling it already.
It wasn't fair of him to say that he has been miserable the whole time as he first indicated at first as that just isn't true. We have had moments before that have led us to feeling a lack of connection and we get back on what we need to do. It's not good when we are not spending the time it takes on what makes us feel connected. That is the bottom line. When we spend that time, we are good. Full stop.
So now its business as usual I think with the added or re-added addition of paying attention to the things we need to do to feel connected.
On the housing issue. I have told him that I know longer want to talk about it and as far as I am concerned it won't happen. I need to adjust and find ways to get my need met for space and being at home with my family all together. that is the base need that I have in the moving thing. I will work on that.
In the mean time I don't want to hear about it any more from him and if he wants to talk about it then he can with Mono. If they make a plan and have an idea, then they can inform me of the ideas they have. I have given all I can give to the topic and given all my ideas and thoughts. I have nothing more to say on it. It's quite a relief to be done with it. I'm actually quite excited that I can make a plan now on my own. I wonder what that will bring.... more to come I'm sure
My concern now is that roly will read this and tell him that I have talked about him on here. I haven't told him but at the same time I haven't said anything that he and I haven't talked about. I suspect that he won't like it, because after all, who likes others to know that they are vulnerable and not doing well. I am ready to take that on with him if need be because this is where I largely get my support. It has been helpful talking here and is hopefully helpful to others.
I really don't know what goes on with roly, it seems she is having a good time sitting on beaches and enjoying her new life. She doesn't talk to me and hasn't for a long time. I am happy for her though. I really am. I don't think she realized, as I didn't either, just how much Nerdist invested in her loving him. I don't think she realized the implications on all of us when she entered his life.
It makes me angry that she has caused this wake in our pond, but really how does anyone really know all this stuff ahead of time. To me its a note to myself to never think that my involvement in other peoples lives makes no difference. It's huge, the waves on that pond could be huge when I make decisions that affect others.Perhaps if she reads this, she will realize that too.
My hope is that she leaves this alone. It's my business with Nerdist now, and I request that she talk to me first before talking to him about this thread. I hope she is just his friend.... that would make him so happy.