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Old 08-10-2010, 04:33 PM
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Indigomontoya Indigomontoya is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 107


Sorry to be harsh here. But from the advice given and your responses, you really are not looking for help in how you feel, you're looking for justification for feeling the way you do.

You have been told she had a husband and a boyfriend and she still chose to bring you into her life, but you discount the the positive nature of that statement by saying it's about your body and accent. Ok, so if it is, why has she kept you around?

You have been told that it's about your self image, and how you feel about yourself, not how you seem to her. You have said you are happy with yourself, but none of your posts read that truth at all. You've discounted that with shallow evidence about how she acts toward you versus her husband and boyfriend #1. Well maybe you need to look at the length of time of each of those relationships and realize that they are at different points with her than you. Of course she is going to treat her husband differently, and her boyfriend she has an established relationship with differently than you, maybe even put more time in with them; because they were there first. I mean it's a little ridiculous to assume that you would be treated equally to her husband, that's just a major error in reasoning there.

I am the primary with TP and what used to annoy me was that I felt I was being treated equally with her boyfriend. Truth be told I was, but she actually took the advice being given to her, we discussed it and what we came out with was treated "fair but not equal" . That suits me fine because I like the guy but frankly I was here first, I've punch the time-clock more than he has, so I deserve the lion's share so to speak; and her boyfriend actually has the emotional maturity to acknowledge the more developed relationship I have with my fiancee, and if he was acting the way you are making excuses, blaming her for how she treats more established relationship there would be serious issues. Number 3 rule we have is no direct comparisons, ever, for specifically this reason. You open the door for it and people get hurt, without a doubt, so quantifying (3 out of 8) doesn't benefit you at all, and frankly you are judging on a scale you know nothing about; it's her scale not yours. Don't say you havent actually been counting because from reading your posts you definitely have been keeping score of her actions versus how you think they place you on the totem pole.

I have struggled, am struggling, will struggle with comparison issues in the future, and so will TP. It's human nature to compare ourselves; but the advice in this thread (the beginning anyway) and one of the links provided ( are really quite sound, and went a long way to helping me with my comparison issues. Truth be told it was that simple to read the advice and the blog entry to make me think of comparison issues in a totally different way.

There will always be someone else in other people's lives who we covet their relationship with, but it shows a certain level of emotional maturity to actually stop and realize that while Mr. A might be in TP's life, and he might bring some things that I do not, TP still comes home to me and I still bring things into her life that she doesn't get anywhere else (mostly animals daddy, sorry love, I had to make the joke).

If you don't work on actually resolving your issues of comparison you will end up continually making excuses as to why you think your grass is brown and theirs are greener is her eyes and blaming the insecurities about yourself (and it is about you, not her view of you) on how she treats her HUSBAND and other boyfriend then the relationship is doomed to fail.
Polyamory is wrong! It's Multiamory or Polyphilia. Mixing Greek and Latin roots? That's wrong.

Last edited by Indigomontoya; 08-10-2010 at 04:56 PM.
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