So, this is where I am at today...
I feel very raw today. I have had a rough week that feels like Nerdist and I have gone backwards. He is struggling with the possible and seeming end of one of his relationships and is angry, sad, depressed and unable to cope lately.
Everything seems to be on hold again towards something that works better for me. I am trying to keep calm, patient and in check where my emotions and needs are, but I have blown. I threw a box of band-aids and stormed out this weekend saying that I couldn't stand it any more,,,, or something.
Mono has a hard time watching us fight... he takes it on and gets concerned that our primary relationship is not doing well and therefore his place within our lives is not safe. I feel for him, but get quite concerned and upset when he then gets angry and frustrated at me about it. I need support and sometimes I just get more arguments. Luckily I remember from past experiences that this is what is going on for him and am patient and wait for him to tell me that he is just concerned for me and Nerdist. Apologies follow and then we are able to talk about what is going on.
I honestly thought I was done this week.
I really thought there was nothing left for me to give and hold onto with Nerdist. He has not been available to me for awhile now and when that happens I am unable to hold my connection and then don't see the point in staying.
Nerdist thought also that we are disconnected and blamed it all on me... this was entirely unfair as I make myself available... but it isn't enough for him. He has been considering the fact that he prefers monogamy because then his partner would be around more... the fact is I have never been the stay at home type he is and reminded him that I have always been busy and actively pursuing my life the whole time I have been with him... what's changed now?
I see our lives as trampolines. We each have springs that are held by certain people. Each person holds a spring to several springs to tens of springs and so on. When we bounce to much on one side of the trampoline the springs on the other side can come out. If the person who holds those springs is unable to hang on that is. If they hold many springs then there are others that hold them onto the trampoline. Once those springs are gone, then others around them move in to take their place, or they are replaced by another person.
So using this idea of a trampoline, I have felt for some time that Nerdist has been bouncing on the other side of his trampoline and I have been left straining to hang on to my end. It makes me resentful and I eventually have let go of some springs. In turn, I have been bouncing on the other end of my trampoline from Nerdist as a result and he has let go of some of mine due to similar factors. We were bouncing off in different directions essentially.
Now this weekend we have gotten to the bottom of some of what is holding us back. I had a hard time with his NRE over roly and he is unable to accept that the next step in my relationship with Mono is that he move into our basement suite and we open the house up for all of us to use... I would have my own room down there.
The longer I wait for this move to happen or not, depending on Nerdists feelings, the more trapped and angry I feel. I am asking a lot, I know that, he has given so much already. I have given also in terms of patience. I have waited while the whole idea has been on hold during his NRE... this was the last wait. Now our current tenants are completely out of hand with cops showing up every night and loudness... I am losing my patience and my mind at this point, yet I wait.
I know I ask a lot, I know he has also given in terms of time to get to know Mono and be his friend. He doesn't see how he will benefit from this kind of move at all. I have explained that he will benefit because I will be happier. I have never liked living two lives; one with Mono and one with my family. I spend two nights a week at my Other Home (OH) and numerous afternoons after work every week. I don't like being away from my boy (especially with the uproar from down stairs right now) and I don't like being at home knowing Mono is at the OH alone. I don't like any of it! I like having them all together. This is when I feel complete. This is what makes everyone happy, but Nerdist; who apparently doesn't feel anything when we are all together. Even my boy is on the Mono living with us band wagon now. After all, we have changed our will for him to be the boys caregiver if we die... he gets the house to raise him in.
Sigh.... this is where I am at tonight.
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