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Old 08-09-2010, 05:25 AM
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cruftnot cruftnot is offline
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 10
Default Psychic blinders

Originally Posted by Erato View Post
Do you feel you have maintained a healthy relationship with your wife?
"healthy relationship" - of course not. I tried to make our relationship healthy. I spent years, and tears, and thousands of dollars. But a healthy relationship is, by definition, one in which all participants feel that they gain more than they lose. Both she and I aren't sure that our marriage, in its current form, meets this criterion.

We do, however, have better communication with each other than we ever did. We have respect for each other; we have passion for one another; we have learned to do a great many things well together. We co-parent well, although we are poor parents on our own. All these are healthy things.

Originally Posted by Erato View Post
I know that your secondary relationships are important to you as is being free to express yourself as poly-amorous, I completely respect those two points, but you seem to have allowed your partner's undesirable behaviour and (dare I say) mistreatment of you to sour your feelings toward her.
Hmm. You're mixing a few things together here.

I'm not looking for self-expression in being poly. For me, discovering poly was coming home - I was literally in tears the first time I read some of the text on, because never before in my life did I encounter someone who saw relationships just as I do. For the first time in my adult life I didn't feel that I was completely alone in how I see love, romance and ethics coming together. I took to poly like a duck to water; I pretty much never became jealous of K or G despite both of them having other partners; two of my other romantic partners had boyfriends - and I never felt threatened in the least. I'm poly because for me compersion is inseparable from love. I've started to feel that I was selling myself short, and I deserve to be loved back in the same way.

As for letting N's mistreatment sour my feelings towards her- yes, that's true. It is for this reason that we're trying to make it work now. I think neither of us sees any resolution to our incompatible relationship style preferences. But we would both like to be loving to each other again, even if we end up parting ways romantically. We deserve to be loving towards one-another and grow beyond the resentments we accumulated - for the sake of our inner peace, and for the sake of the example we set our children.

Finally, regarding secondary relationships. I don't really subscribe to the notion of secondary or primary; this is semantic gobbledegook that N needs to feel safe. To me there are emotions and commitments. My emotions don't define or constrain my actions; my commitments do. My kids, by virtue of being minors in my care, earn an unwavering commitment. In having been perfectly loving and supportive, G has earned primacy of my very limited promises to her. N, in having time and time again broken her side of our agreements, and having hurt me intentionally, has lost most of her right to expect me to honor my previous commitments to her.

Summarizing- my "secondary relationships" are not important to me as a concept, not is the poly label. I love G, and she has earned my loyalty. I love N, but she's demolished that loyalty and everything I tried to build with her in terms of relationship structure; only the love remains. Being poly isn't a philosophy to me; it's just how I relate and how I understand and manifest love.

Originally Posted by Erato View Post
"Can I cultivate enough patience, love, understanding and tolerance to make this functional? Am I willing/prepared to?" Life (and love) isn't fair but it's worth it.
What "this" are you suggesting we make functional?

The "this" in which I'm "allowed" to be poly and it tears N into shreds emotionally? The "this" in which I put on psychic blinders to enable me to pretend that I can be small enough to love just her, and slowly wilt away from living a lie?

I'm a devoutly religious Utilitarian. The only commandment on my stone tablets is "Thou shall make it Functional." But I haven't a clue *what* I should make functional in this case.
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